


On Your Ground

by uncreativename



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Doctor/Patient, Dr. AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:52:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncreativename/pseuds/uncreativename
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla has sustained a pretty bad injury, but it's okay. She has a pretty hot doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If any of you follow me on Tumblr, this is it. This is the Dr. AU I've been going on about for a month in my tags.
> 
> Thanks to izzyvonheeringen for this idea (which was literally: Carmilla is sick and Laura takes care of her). This is all her fault. Also many thanks to platypiandi for helping me sort out everything, really. Both of them are on Tumblr and are awesome, so send them love and cookies.
> 
> Also, Carmilla's human.

The first thing Carmilla saw when she opened her eyes was the grey ceiling tiles. Next to her was a machine – some sort of monitor – beeping. Next to it was a drip stand, which had two bags connected to her hand. She reached up and felt a bandage wrapped around her head.

Her eyes slowly swept the room. She was in the hospital.

Carmilla tried to sit up but found it too difficult. She felt like she was being weighed down, every bone and muscle in her body was in between numbness and throbbing pain. She just wanted to fall back asleep; she let herself sink back to into sleep when a voice woke her.

“Oh good, Miss Karnstein, you’re awake. I am Dr. Lola Perry and you’re at Styria General Hospital.”

Carmilla flinched. She slowly opened her eyes again and saw the mass of curly red hair belonging to the doctor standing over her. This person was keeping her from sleeping and she hated her immediately.

“Stop…talking…” Carmilla groaned. Carmilla didn’t recognize her own voice. It was scratchy and dry. Her mouth felt like it was filled with cotton.

“Miss Karnstein, it is important for you to stay lucid for a little longer, so I can-“

“ _No_.” Carmilla’s eyelids felt heavy, wanting desperately to fall back asleep.

The doctor looked exasperated and was (probably) about to scold her when a knock at the door interrupted them.

“Oh! Dr. Hollis! This is Dr. Laura Hollis, she helped perform your surgery with me earlier today.”

Carmilla looked towards the door and saw _her_. Maybe it was the painkillers she was on, doping her up, but for a half-second, the way her vision was still a little blurry and the way everything felt like it was in slow motion, Carmilla swore she was an angel.

“Hi, sorry! I was just walking past and saw you were in here with the new patient. Dr. Perry is being modest – I was merely observing. You’re super lucky to have had Dr. Perry as your surgeon, she’s incredible.”

She was _so_ chipper and upbeat; not at all like the women Carmilla ever found attractive. The medication was obviously doing a number on her judgment. Her skull feel like it was throbbing.

Dr. Perry beamed. “Why thank you, doctor. Dr. Hollis is currently covering a vacation leave for one of my colleagues. She’s usually at Silas Orthopedic Clinic, but currently splitting her time between here and there. She will be part of your recovery process.”

Carmilla wondered what she could do to make the red head – _Dr. Perry_ – stop talking or go away. Fortunately, her pocket buzzed and she looked down at her pager. “Oh dear, I’ve been called down to Emergency.”

Carmilla smiled, barely turning her lips up, but the effort to do so took a lot out of her.

“Miss Karnstein, I will be back as soon as possible to update you on your procedure and recovery, but an intern may come in my place.”

“If you need to go, I can take over; just let me read over her file,” Dr. Hollis offered. Carmilla liked her. She was easy to look at.

“Thanks Dr. Hollis – here is her file. Just a warning, _she’s a little grumpy_ ,” Dr. Perry said, the last part of the sentence using a stage whisper. _That bitch_.

The doctor handed the file over to Dr. Hollis and left the room. Carmilla slowly rolled her eyes – yeah, the redhead was annoying – but then turned her attention to Dr. Hollis.

“You’re…pretty…” she said weakly.

Dr. Hollis tilted her head to the side, clearly amused. She went to the foot of the bed and skimmed through her file.

“Alright Miss Karnstein, like I said, Dr. Perry performed your emergency operation to repair the displaced fracture on your tibia. The surgery was successful, of course, but your leg will be in a cast for the next month or so. After that, it will need to be in a cast boot for at least four months, while it heals. Despite your injury, we fully expect your leg will be back to normal in six months or so. And you’ll have a neat scar to show for it!”

Carmilla noticed the cast around her leg, below her knee, elevated over the bed. She barely paid any note though, still foggy on the medication.

“Miss Karnstein?” The doctor quirked an eyebrow up. Seriously, the doctor was _beautiful_.  “Do you understand what I am saying?”

Carmilla slowly nodded her head, trying to shake the thick fog that filled it. “Tibia…cast...time.” She grimaced; the pain made speaking difficult.

“Miss Karnstein, if you need anything for the pain at this moment, let me know,” Dr. Hollis responded softly. “Anyway, as I was saying-”

“-You’re _really_ pretty.”

Dr. Hollis laughed – oh _god_ it was beautiful too – then continued, “ _Okay_ , Miss Karnstein-“

“ _Carmilla_.”

“What?”

“It’s…Carmilla.” She took a deep breath through the pain.

“Okay, _Carmilla_ , we’re going to keep you here for a few days to monitor…”

_Beautiful. Like a cute cupcake thing._

“…there was a fair amount of swelling…”

_And adorable. Listen to her talk. She seems smart. And pretty._

“…and while the operation was successful, this is standard protocol for breaks of this nature.”

_“Pretty.”_

The doctor shook her head; obviously she was unimpressed, but smiled nonetheless.

“Okay, sweet talker, I’m going to get Dr. Perry to come back when you’re more coherent. Your vitals all look okay, you just need to sleep off some of the residual anesthetics. Do you need anything for the pain?”

_Your phone number._

“Miss Karnstein, I’m very flattered, but please just let me do my job here,” she said, still smiling.

_Holy shit, I said that out loud._

“Yes, you did. Now, _instead_ , I’m going to get Dr. Kirsch, one of the interns, to check on you. I don’t think you’ll find him as pretty as you find me, so maybe you’ll be able to talk to him. Get some rest, Miss Karn- _Carmilla_.”

“Wait.” Carmilla took a deep breath, finding the strength to speak.

“Yes, Carmilla?”

“Can _you_ be my doctor instead?”

Dr. Hollis rolled her eyes and patted Carmilla’s arm. “Get some rest, Carmilla.”

She watched the doctor leave the room and allowed her eyes to droop as they were prior to her arriving. Despite the multiple injuries and her current lack of lucidity, she knew it important to listen to her (beautiful) doctor. She quickly fell back asleep.

* * *

The next time Carmilla woke up, she still had to reorient herself again to remember where she was. She still felt weak, a constant throb of pain on various parts of her body. Her eyes went into focus much more quickly than before. Her brother, Will, sat in a chair next to her bed, flipping through a magazine.

“…Will.”

His head snapped up, relief flooding his face.

“Oh, thank god, you’re awake.” He pressed a button next to her bed and she felt herself sit-up slightly.

“What’s going on?” Carmilla could feel the bruising on her ribs with every breath she took, but it wasn’t as exhausting to speak as it was before.

“You fell off your roof last night. Remember? We were hanging out, you could _never_ hold your whisky, Carm, I don’t know why you even try. You wanted to go outside to look at the stars, so we did. Then we noticed your Christmas lights were still up, so we decided to take them down for some stupid fucking reason. We got your ladder from your shed then you went up on the roof then you fell off…”

“ _Holy shit_ , that was stupid,” Carmilla agreed, flashes of last night coming back to her slowly. She remembered Will coming over – he was in town for a couple days. She remembered them commiserating over their shitty mom. She remembered them taking shots, Will giving her shit for still having her Christmas lights still up…the searing pain, then nothing at all.

“Yeah, no kidding. You broke your leg – it’s fine, you had to have surgery, but you’ll be okay. You’ll still walk eventually. You also got a concussion and bruised a few ribs. You’re an idiot. I used to think I was the stupid one, but clearly you are.”

She looked down, remembering that her leg was in a cast. She realized that a majority of the pain came from her leg.

“ _Shit_ ,” she said. “Right…I think…someone told me? Did someone come in here?”

“Oh, Dr. Perry and Dr. Hollis came by. Nice people. Dr. Hollis that she wasn’t sure if you’d remember talking to her. Said you were still groggy.”

“Oh, fuck,” she replied. “I think I hit on her.”

“Yeah, she said you were a little flirtatious.” Will cringed. “She thought it was probably the anesthetic from the surgery making you behave strangely, but I told her that was one-hundred percent you.”

“Of course you did.”

She looked over at her brother, getting a good look at his face. His was wearing the outfit he wore the night before, his hair was disheveled (something he _never_ let happen), and eyes were red and glassy.

“Wait…have you been… _crying_?” Carmilla snickered, then winced. “Remind me to tease you about this when I’m not in a ridiculous amount of pain.”

“Carmilla, seriously, only you would hit on your doctor ten seconds after waking up from surgery, after you _could’ve died_. You’re going to start picking on _me_ for caring if you were alive?”

“You’re a fucking baby,” she breathed out. She was still _so_ tired.

“Shut up. You scared the shit out of me, Carmilla.”

She gave Will a half-smile – but it looked like a sneer because of the pain. She _was_ touched, but she was not in the position to focus on much other than her aching body.

“I’m sorry, Will. I…didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Whatever. Are you okay otherwise? Dr. Perry said the concussion wasn’t bad, but you’d be a little loopy from the medication.”

“I feel like everything’s underwater and my brain is cotton.”

“That makes no sense. I think that means you’re loopy?”

Carmilla felt herself nod off. “I’m going to go back to sleep, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. I guess I’ll go call mom, tell her that you’re okay...”

She closed her eyes and fell into another deep sleep.

* * *

Well, Dr. Hollis was right. Dr. Kirsch was _not_ as pretty as she was, so it was a lot easier to focus on what he said. He came by later that day and filled in the blanks that Carmilla missed: She was to stay at the hospital for a couple days so they could monitor her post-surgery recovery. Then she would be referred to Silas Orthopedic Clinic. They were expecting her to come in once a week for the next month, then once every three to four weeks for a few months to monitor the healing process. She would also be referred to physio at the clinic.

She could deal with all that; fair punishment for her drunken idea. It could’ve been far worse.

(“Dude, it was a pretty bad break. You’re lucky Dr. Perry was there to fix you up. She’s an incredible doctor, the best orthopedic surgeon in the city. And Dr. Hollis? She’s like, super new, but also ridiculously talented. They’re my surgical heroes.”)

Dr. Kirsch said that he or one of the other interns would likely take her on as their patient while she was at the hospital. No more Dr. Perry or Dr. Hollis, as they concerned themselves with emergencies and more serious cases. (She was disappointed; she was hoping to see Dr. Hollis again.)

Will left a couple hours ago, shortly after Dr. Kirsch updated them, to meet up with some of his other friends. He’d been sitting with her for hours and Carmilla felt bad, so she told him to leave and salvage whatever he could out of the last few days of his vacation.She didn’t mind – she was feeling much better now, sitting up and able to flip through the trashy tabloid Will left for her. She was working on the crossword puzzle – she had no idea who the fuck most of people were (what the fuck is a ‘Harry Styles’?!) and was doing a terrible job.

Whatever post-op drugs that were messing with her head wore off. She was feeling more like herself. In a great deal of pain and wanting to scratch the itchy parts of her leg that were under her cast, but more like herself.

“Miss Karnstein, how are you feeling now?”

Carmilla looked up from the page. Dr. Hollis stood under the doorframe, looking a little tired, but smiling brightly. She must’ve been there all day, as it was just after dinner.

“Oh. Hi, Dr. Hollis,” Carmilla said stiffly. Yeah, she was a bit mortified by her behavior earlier.

“I see that you’re much more aware – no more cutesy nicknames. Did you want me to repeat my update from earlier or was Dr. Kirsch able to explain it to you?”

“Dr. Kirsch told me.”

“Great. Well, I just wanted to say hello, see how you’re doing.”

“Oh, I thought you weren’t my doctor anymore. Dr. Kirsch told me-”

“-Dr. Kirsch was mistaken,” Dr. Hollis said, frowning a little – not at Carmilla, but generally, like she had been caught in something. She turned a little red, but continued, “I’m an orthopedic resident, albeit temporarily; but he’s just an intern. _I_ helped perform your surgery. He was wrong.”

“Oh. Okay then…”

“And I just got my caseload updated for the clinic – it looks like your wish has come true. I’ll be your doctor there, too, Carmilla.” Dr. Hollis winked at her then busied herself with Carmilla’s chart. Carmilla felt her cheeks warm up. _Ugh,_ she was hoping she remembered incorrectly, that she didn’t actually say that, but _no_ , of course she did.

Carmilla found herself staring. Despite the state she was in, her first impression was right: Dr. Hollis really _was_ beautiful.

“Awfully quiet now, aren’t we?” The doctor smirked at Carmilla from the file she was flipping through.

Carmilla’s face flushed. “Well, doc, last time we spoke, I used all my moves. I guess I don’t have much else to say.”

The doctor looked up. She reached forward, quickly squeezing Carmilla’s good leg with her hand before returning her attention to the file and flipping the page. Carmilla felt _something_ stir in her, but pushed down the thought. Probably just the residual effects of the anesthetic.

“Well, if those were your moves, you’re lucky your face wasn’t hurt in the fall too. Your moves are _weak_.”

Carmilla cringed. “Ouch, aren’t you supposed to ‘do no harm’?” It took a beat for her to realize it – “Wait, did you just call me pretty? Because if you did, I’m going to say my moves worked, _cupcake_.”

“ _Miss Karnstein_ ,” Dr. Hollis began, her turn to blush. “Well, it looks like Dr. Kirsch did a good job with your paperwork. How is the leg feeling?”

“Uncomfortable.”

“The pain?”

“Painful.”

The doctor rolled her eyes then clarified. “On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being unbearable, _how is the pain_?”

“Oh. Sometimes a 7. Sometimes a 10. If I lie perfectly still, it’s still pretty constant, but like, a 6. Currently? Probably a 5 – must be the excellent company." The doctor laughed and Carmilla tried to shift forward, closer to her. She felt a shot of pain at her movement. “Okay, I’m lying, your company isn’t helping. 7, 8!”

The doctor rushed forward, placing her hand on Carmilla’s shoulder. “Carmilla, it’s a good idea for you to keep your leg as immobile as possible while you’re in bed.”

“Right. Sorry,” Carmilla said, sheepishly. This was the closest the doctor had ever been to her. Their eyes connected, and for a second, Carmilla thought she saw something in the doctor’s eyes that matched how she was feeling – Interest, maybe? Curiosity, at least? – but it went as quickly as it came.

Dr. Hollis gave her arm a squeeze before turning to leave the room. She stopped at the doorway and turned around, leaning against the frame. “I think I’m going to enjoy having you as my patient.”

Carmilla, feeling emboldened, responded: “Well, _cutie,_ I think I’m going to enjoy having you as my doctor.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla's still at the hospital, has a visitor, and continues to flirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to platypiandi!

The next day was uneventful. Carmilla spent most of it watching TV and flipping through the terrible talk shows (through which she was displeased to have obtained the knowledge of what a ‘Harry Styles’ was). She settled on watching  _Ellen_ when Dr. Hollis stopped by.

They shared small talk as the doctor looked through her charts, then went through the standard line of questioning, (“The pain is at 5 – these painkillers are _crazy_ though, they make me feel like I’m a floating head.” “I’ll see what I can do about switching you to something less potent.”).

A knock at the door alerted them to a hospital staffer with her lunch. The doctor stood back as he set her tray up; she smiled at the staff person as he left.

“Want some?” Carmilla asked, shoveling peas into her mouth. “I mean, it’s not the greatest food, but it’s free and I’m a poor starving student so it tastes _delicious_.”

The doctor laughed – Carmilla realized she loved making her laugh – and shook her head. “I’m fine. It’s all yours.”

Carmilla said, “Suit yourself,” around a mouthful of ham and cheese sandwich.

“So what do you do with yourself when you’re not suffering from broken bones and concussions? You said you were a student?”

Carmilla nodded, swallowing before answering. “I’m in grad school, getting my masters in philosophy. I’ve been working on my thesis, which basically means I’ve been doing _everything_ but working on my thesis. Plus, being here hasn’t been helping my productivity…”

Dr. Hollis’s eyebrows raised – she was clearly impressed.

“Surprised I’m such an intellectual?”

“What? No, it’s just…I didn’t picture you as a philosophy-type of person.”

“Well, Dr. Hollis, how _did_ you picture me?” Carmilla said, winking. The doctor’s face reddened and she shook her head.

“Carmilla, you must get into a lot of trouble.”

“I do; it’s great.” She ate a spoonful of the chocolate pudding then cringed. “Okay, having no money won’t even make me want to eat this.”

“Not good?”

“I’m not even sure it’s food,” she answered, poking it and watching it wobble.

The doctor opened her mouth to say something then shut it quickly. She looked like she was evaluating whether to do something, when she nodded to herself. (Carmilla found this entire silent conversation the doctor was having with herself to be adorable.)

“I’ll be right back, Carm,” Dr. Hollis said, before leaving the room.

No one ever called Carmilla ‘Carm’ and got away with it. But she liked it coming from the doctor. It sounded familiar, close. Affectionate.

This was getting to be _ridiculous_. She was crushing hard on her doctor, like a twelve-year-old school kid crushing on their teacher. It was kind of pathetic. She shook her head. The doctor was cute. Of course she had a crush on her. But was nothing, just a crush, if that at all. Carmilla admired attractive women all the time. This was no different. It was nothing, really.

Of course, when Dr. Hollis reentered the room, the nagging feeling in the back of Carmilla’s mind that she tried to ignore whenever the doctor was around told her it was definitely _something_.

She stopped next to Carmilla’s side and draped her arm over the top of Carmilla’s bed.

“Okay, Carmilla, Nurse Spielsdorf will be back later with some less aggressive painkillers. They’re not as effective at dampening the pain as the ones you’re currently on, but the side affects are less severe. I think you’re strong enough to push through, but if the pain becomes too much again, page us immediately, okay?”

“Okay,” Carmilla agreed.

Dr. Hollis pulled a Kit Kat bar out of her pocket and placed it on her table stand.

“The chocolate pudding _is_ kind of gross – I just don’t think you should miss out on dessert,” the doctor explained, sheepishly tucking her hair behind her ear. She reached forward and lightly squeeze Carmilla’s arm before leaving the room, grinning, not giving Carmilla a chance to respond or thank her.

Yeah. This “crush” was going to be inconvenient.

 

* * *

 

"Are you sure you’re going to be okay, Carmilla?”

“Yes, Danny.”

“And you’re sure you’ll walk again?”

“Yes, Danny.”

Danny sat on the end of the bed, next to Carmilla’s ‘good’ leg. Her arms were crossed; she was visibly upset, having rushed to the hospital as soon as Carmilla texted her. Carmilla should’ve dealt with the situation a little less bluntly.

_(Danny: ‘Where the fuck are you? I haven’t seen you for days, loser. My fridge still has all its food in it.’_

_Carmilla: ‘Fell off my roof. In the hospital.’)_

“I just can’t believe you’re so blasé about this. You could’ve been _seriously_ injured – even more so than you are right now.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes, and affected a tone of boredom (she knew it riled Danny up when she spoke like this). “You’re even more riled up about this than my mom. Can we go back to you hating me? Because you’re being weird.”

Carmilla mimicked Danny’s posture and crossed her arms. She didn’t like it when people fussed over her, especially Danny, who had the tendency to be disproportionate about _everything_.

Danny shook her head. “I don’t _hate_ you. I just like _fighting_ with you.”

“Well, let’s go back to fighting. You’re doing this thing with your face that makes it look like you care about me.”

Danny huffed. “I do care about you, despite the fact that you’re like an annoying, rude little sibling. I’m just glad you’re okay, okay?”

“Well, if anything happened to me, who would you generously allow to steal all your food and ramp up your karma points?” Carmilla asked, shrugging.

Carmilla really did like Danny, despite their constant arguing and need to outdo each other. She struggled with expressing this, but she knew Danny knew that she valued her friendship. Neither of them would ever admit it out loud though.

Danny laughed and gently hit Carmilla’s non-injured shin, keeping her hand on it. “I don’t even know why I put up with you.”

The two smirked at each other.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything…” Dr. Hollis stood at the doorway, in a big winter coat and with a purse. “I was just on my way out and wanted to tell you that Dr. Truong would be covering this evening. I am also not scheduled here tomorrow, I’ll be at the clinic, but I may stop by as you’re being discharged. If I have time.”

Carmilla nodded, disappointed that she may not see the doctor tomorrow, but tried to not let it show. Danny had a sort of radar for Carmilla’s moods – it was an inconvenient side effect of their friendship. She didn’t want anyone, much less Danny, to know about her possible feelings for her doctor.

“I’m Miss Karnstein’s doctor, Dr. Hollis,” the doctor said to Danny, the smile not quite reaching her eyes.

“Oh, right. Dr. Hollis, this is Danny. Danny, this is one of the doctors who saved my leg, Dr. Hollis,” Carmilla said.

“Nice to meet you,” Danny replied a little awkwardly; she must’ve noticed the doctor’s coldness.

The doctor eyes kept flitting between Carmilla, Danny, and Danny’s hand on Carmilla’s shin. Carmilla shifted her leg and Danny, taking the hint, removed her hand. Dr. Hollis’s eyes snapped up quickly, looking back at Carmilla.

“Anyway, Miss Karnstein, I guess I’ll see you at the clinic next week. I hope you and your girlfriend have a lovely evening.”

Danny and Carmilla both shuddered and simultaneously replied: “Uh, gross; Clifford _wishes_ she could get a girl like me.“ “Oh god no, Carmilla’s basically my brother.”

Carmilla tried to reach forward to smack Danny, but couldn’t with her leg in the cast; Danny stuck her tongue out.

Dr. Hollis laughed and leaned against the doorframe. Carmilla smiled to herself; the doctor looked relieved. “I was just wondering...”

“Carmilla wishes she could date me, but years, and years, _and years_ of being rejected by me…”

“Stop it Danny, I’m already in a cast, I don’t need to be kept here longer for getting violently ill.”

The doctor laughed.

“Okay, okay, I won’t make that mistake again. _Trust me_ ,” she said, her voice turning sultry.

Danny’s eyebrows shot up, and Carmilla’s must’ve too, ‘cause the doctor blanched and quickly spoke again.

“I mean, obviously you two didn’t like me thinking that you two were together, not that I make note of my patient's personal lives, like if they’re single or not, not that I even _know_ if you’re single, Carmilla. I just mean that you should trust that I won’t assume that you two are dating again.” Dr. Hollis bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath. “ _Anyway_ , I’m off for the night. I’ll see you soon, Carmilla. Again, nice meeting you, Danny.”

She smiled embarrassedly at Carmilla one last time before leaving, closing the door behind her.

Danny whipped her head around. “What the hell was that?”

Carmilla blinked, confused herself. “What?”

“Dr. Tiny has a thing for you.”

“No she doesn’t,” Carmilla said, suddenly feeling warm.

“Yes she does, are you kidding me? Like when she thought we were dating? I thought she was going to strangle me.”

She tried to deflect. “Oh Danny, did _you_ hit your head too?”

“And then the whole ‘ _Trust me’_ thing? I thought she was going to _mount_ you. I swear to god, you break your leg in a _stupid_ accident and you _still_ have hot women throwing themselves at you. It’s ridiculous.”

“No one is throwing anything at me.” Carmilla’s grin must’ve given her away – Danny smirked immediately.

“Ha! I’m right. There’s something going on between you two!”

“Shh, Danny, _shut up_. I don’t need the entire hospital hearing this.” The door was closed and Carmilla was sure no one could hear, but still – Danny was embarrassing her.

“Well seriously, no kidding. She could get in shit if anything were to happen.”

Carmilla quirked an eyebrow. “Really? That’s a real thing?”

“Of course it’s a real thing; she could lose her job if she were to pursue anything with you while you’re her patient. Unless you were married. _Grey’s Anatomy_ taught me that.”

“Leave it to television to teach you important life lessons.” Carmilla rolled her eyes, trying to ignore the _new_ nagging feeling of guilt over how she’s been shamelessly flirting with the doctor since she met her.

That night, after Danny left, Carmilla wondered if she was right. If, in fact, Danny’s suspicions were correct and the doctor was actually interested, what should Carmilla do about this?

Probably nothing; like Danny said – the doctor could lose her license if anything were to happen.

But she was rarely in this position; it was foreign for her to feel any sort of pull towards someone else, she hadn’t in years. And the fact that this person was, for all intents and purposes, unattainable for (at _least_ ) the next several months, complicated the matters exponentially. That said, it somehow made the doctor more irresistible.

Carmilla was self-aware; she was incredibly rash and selfish. She liked flirting with beautiful women; she liked the attention that Dr. Hollis gave her. She wasn’t going to stop. If nothing happened, at least she’d have some fun along the way. If something did happen, then _great_ (and she usually got her way when it came to women she was into). She’d deal with the consequences later.

She wasn’t going to let herself feel guilty about being attracted to someone.

 

* * *

 

The morning she was to be discharged, Carmilla was given a pair of crutches. Nurse Spielsdorf, who Carmilla had already established _didn’t_ like her, was there to help her learn how to use them.

Carmilla hobbled around her room before stumbling a little.

“You’re like Bambi on ice right now, Carmilla,” Will said, catching her.

“I’m _fine._ I’m doing a great job,” she answered with gritted teeth.

Nurse Spielsdorf and Will didn’t bother holding in their snickers.

 

* * *

 

“Isn’t this a little excessive? I’m fine, I can use the crushes.”

Next to her, Will laughed humorlessly.

“Well, Miss Karnstein, like Nurse Spielsdorf said, it’s hospital policy. And you _do_ have a cast on your leg,” Dr. Hollis said, her hands on her hips. Her head was tilted to the side in the _cutest_ way possible, which only pissed Carmilla off more.

_Yes, you’re adorable; I get it, Dr. Hollis. But I’m annoyed right now so you need to fear me like everyone else does and take me seriously._

“I don’t need it.”

The doctor stood behind the wheelchair that the nurse brought in when Carmilla was discharged. Carmilla took one look at it and ranted; Dr. Hollis was brought in to convince her to sit in it.

“You didn’t listen to the nurse, which you should’ve. Now Dr. Hollis is here saying the same thing; just listen to her,” Will said, holding her crutches and bag, clearly irritated.

“This is ludicrous. I can use the crutches.”

“Look, Carmilla, I’ve come by _on my lunch break_ from the clinic, to make sure you get out of here in one piece and keep me employed at my _very needed_ job. Student loans can’t pay for themselves.”

“ _No._ ”

“Fine. Hurt yourself again. Maybe if you do, you’ll need a second surgery, the hospital will see the need to hire _another_ full-time ortho surgeon and hire me! Go on, Carmilla. Fall. Go on.”

Carmilla grumbled to herself – _“This is bullshit, cupcake.” –_ then said, “Fine,” through gritted teeth.

“Girls are weird.” Will’s eyes looked back and forth between the two women and shook his head. “I’m going to get the car, do you need any help, Dr. Hollis?”

“I’m fine, thank you Will. It was nice meeting you.” Dr. Hollis turned to face Will as he went towards the door and shook his hand.

“Likewise. And I apologize for how much of a pain in the ass my sister is. She’s like a school bully, she chases and picks on the girls she has crushes on.” From behind the doctor, Carmilla gave Will the finger, an insult on the tip of her tongue before the doctor responded.

“It’s no problem.” Dr. Hollis laughed and looked back to give Carmilla a wink before turning to face Will.

“See you downstairs, Carmilla.” Will left the room.

Dr. Hollis took a step forward and wrapped her arm around Carmilla’s waist. Carmilla stifled the hitch in her breath; if the doctor noticed, she didn’t say anything.

“Okay! Let’s get you in the wheelchair, Carm. Put your arm around my shoulders and lean on me.”

Dr. Hollis’s body was flush against Carmilla’s side. The doctor’s face was _so close_ to her own; Carmilla stopped herself from leaning closer. She subconsciously licked her lips and swore that the doctor stared at her mouth as she did it. In this moment, Will was right – this didn’t feel like a mere _attraction_ ; she felt like a pre-teen with a crush. She had to get herself in check; she stiffened a little.

“Are you okay, Carmilla?” Concern washed over her features. Dr. Hollis bit her lip and Carmilla’s eyes watched the movement.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. Sea legs. You were probably right about using the wheelchair. Let’s just get me in there…”

_Get it together._

“Okay,” the doctor said. She took a deep breath, squeezing Carmilla closer. “One, two, three, and up!” Dr. Hollis supported Carmilla’s weight against her body. With a surprising strength she helped her off the bed and into the wheelchair. Carmilla sat down easily, the loss of the doctor against her immediately making her feel cold.

“Comfortable, Miss Karnstein?” Dr. Hollis asked, standing up straight and giving her a beaming smile. Being on the receiving end of it made her feel like she could run out of the hospital, not be confined to the cast, crutches, and wheelchair.

“Yeah, whatever.” Her voice was shaky, so she gave a feeble smile to the doctor, hopefully masking how she felt. It seemed to satisfy her.

“Okay, I’ll help you out of here. I don’t want you to get into any more arguments with Nurse Spielsdorf.”

“You and her friends?” Carmilla asked; the nurse seemed to know that Carmilla only really listened to Dr. Hollis.

“Yeah! She was my roommate in college. I think, under different circumstances, you two would hit it off.”

“Seriously?”

The doctor laughed. “No, probably not actually.” She pushed her out of the room, smiling and nodding at everyone who passed. “You and your brother seem close.”

“Yeah, he’s a pain in the ass, but he’s a good brother. Usually.”

“Well he seems nice. It must be great having a brother. I’m an only child.” They stopped front of the elevators and the doctor pressed the ‘down’ arrow.

“Lucky you.”

“Miss Karnstein, you should’ve seen him when Dr. Perry and I spoke to him after we finished your surgery. He really does care for you. From what I gather, you two have a lot in common. Both a little dry, but very sweet.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. She didn’t like to assume people’s sexualities – she didn’t ever feel the need, as she never had any issue with finding interested partners – but she assumed Dr. Hollis was interested in women (a voice in the back of her mind corrected her – _interested in_ you).

Not that she was jealous of her brother, at all. It was all just really annoying. She thought back to last night, when she decided to just _see where this all went_. Somehow, she was already invested.

“You into my brother or something?” Carmilla asked coldly.

“What? _No._ I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but he’s absolutely not my type.”

Carmilla smiled, glad that the doctor was pushing the wheelchair and couldn’t see her face. “Well then, what’s your type?”

“That’s a little inappropriate to ask your doctor, Miss Karnstein.”

The smile dropped from Carmilla’s face; she clammed up. “Right. Right, sorry.”

The elevator doors opened; it was empty. Dr. Hollis wheeled her in and selected the ‘M’ button.

“It’s fine, Carmilla, I’m just teasing. I usually go for women who _don’t_ fall off their roofs taking Christmas lights off in February, in the middle of the night while drunk.”

Carmilla looked behind; the doctor was grinning down at her, a glint in her eyes.

The doctor’s playfulness gave her a shot of bravery. “See, Will was wrong. I think there’s some _mutual_ chasing and picking-on going on here.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Will’s school bully comment.”

The doctor’s face turned serious; Carmilla immediately felt her confidence disappear. She was about to apologize when Dr. Hollis smirked.

“Well, Carmilla. I _am_ your doctor. Relationships between patients and their doctors are prohibited, obviously.”

Carmilla turned back in her seat, facing forward. She looked at her hands in her lap. “I know that. I was just kidding-”

“Plus, as your doctor, I am fully committed to _not_ chasing you,” the doctor said, leaning down and speaking softly in Carmilla’s ear. The puffs of her breath tickled Carmilla’s ear. “At least not while your leg is healing. It’ll impede the healing process.”

Carmilla turned her head, looking into the doctor’s eyes. She gulped; gone was the cute, bubbly doctor – next to her was an _incredibly_ sexy woman.

“Not if I don’t run,” Carmilla replied. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip and watched the doctor’s eyes follow her tongue.

This time the doctor looked flustered. Carmilla would’ve felt a sense of accomplishment if her own heart wasn’t beating out of her chest. Once again, she caught the doctor’s eyes dart down to her lips.

The elevator dinged and stopped; the doors opened. Dr. Hollis quickly straightened up and pushed her out, towards the exit. Carmilla heard her let out a breath.

Carmilla was going to get whiplash from all their interruptions. Something was happening between the two of them; it felt like more than her usual attraction for women. She wanted to explore it but also knew that the doctor was trying to resist her. Which, honestly, was unprecedented.

The doctor pushed her in silence to the lobby entrance, out the doors. Carmilla could see Will pulling her car up to the curb. She pointed him out to the doctor; she stopped her next to the curb.

“Well, Miss Karnstein, I look forward to seeing you at the clinic next week.”

The doctor shoved her hands in the pockets of her coat.

“Likewise.” She suddenly felt shy by Dr. Hollis’s sudden change – gone was the playful, flirtatious woman who was in the elevator. Instead stood a professional, a stranger.

“Okay, I’ll just leave you here then. Tell your brother that the wheelchair can be left by the front doors, someone will grab it.”

“Will do, Dr. Hollis”

“See you in a week, Miss Karnstein. Try not to get into any more trouble.” Dr. Hollis gave a half-smile, and then tucked her hair behind her ear. Carmilla felt affection for her, clutching in her chest.

The doctor reached forward and squeezed Carmilla’s arm, as she always did when she would leave her, then turned to go back into the hospital. Carmilla tried not to watch her walk away. She failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I forgot to mention before, so I will now, this entire story is dedicated to izzyvonheeringen because she is the jerk who made me write it. Pfft.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla’s starts a tentative ‘friendship’ with Dr. Hollis - ahem, _Laura_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-outs to platypiandi, thatssocee (zbrockman), and izzyvonheeringen (Wither), as usual.

Carmilla hobbled around that week and knocked into everything with her crutches and cast. Fortunately, her job was accommodating and it didn’t _really_ get in the way of her classes, which was good because she missed a lot when she was first in the hospital (her professors were understanding, but she didn’t explain how she got injured, of course).

She struggled to leave Silas Orthopedic Clinic, a little grumpy. She stopped herself from biting the head of one of the clinic staff who wished her a good day as she left her appointment. She took a seat on a bench outside, bundled up in her winter clothes, her cast covered in a XXL wool sock and waited for Danny to get her (“Five minutes, dude. Tell your hot doctor who hates me that I say hey.”).

Whatever happened the previous week between her and Dr. Hollis didn’t seem to factor in the doctor’s behaviour towards her today. She was perfectly professional, respectful, and kept her distance until the end of the appointment.

There was a brief moment at the end, though – _so_ brief. Carmilla took off her toque and the doctor reached up to tuck a strand of Carmilla’s hair behind her ear. Carmilla got a feeling – almost like déjà vu – where she could almost see them doing this together at home, together and happy. It was a strange and unfamiliar thought and it made her yearn for something she never thought she’d want.

Then the doctor pulled away and abruptly ended the appointment.

 

* * *

 

Carmilla was positive she looked ridiculous as she navigated through the frozen aisle of the grocery story. She caught her reflection in the glass. Seeing herself struggling to push the cart and maneuver on one crutch (the other crutch in the cart) made her cringe. She probably should’ve gotten help with this, but she was a fucking adult who could get her own damn groceries for herself.

She stopped the cart in front of the frozen pizza section and tried to pull open the freezer door. She tugged, not quite getting the leverage needed to open it, then braced herself more firmly on the crutch. She yanked again, this time with more force, but the momentum caused her to swing backwards. Her immediate thought was _“Oh damn”_ , when she felt a small, but strong, body lean up behind her, bracing her.

“I think it would be beneficial if you didn’t injure yourself again,” the person said. Carmilla huffed. _Of course_.

Carmilla stood up straight as best as she could, then turned to face the woman who had occupied her thoughts for the last several days. Carmilla’s eyes trailed up her body; she hadn’t ever seen her in casual clothes. While the doctor always looked beautiful, seeing her in public, dressed in something other than her white coat, added another layer to her interest.

Dr. Hollis must’ve noticed Carmilla’s stare, if her raised eyebrows were any indication. Carmilla smiled, knowing she was caught, and pointedly stared in the doctor’s eyes.

“Dr. Hollis. Hey.”

“Hi Carmilla. Can I grab something for you?” She pointed at the freezer, her expression was mocking and smug, and Carmilla would’ve wanted to wipe that look off her face if she wasn’t also so freaking adorable.

“Uh, no, that’s fine, I have everything under control.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

Carmilla leered, which didn’t serve to intimidate her, at all; she grinned back instead.

“Listen cupcake, I’ve been getting myself groceries for _many, many_ years. Crutches aren’t going to stop me.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, hands up, but still smirking. “Go ahead, open the freezer.”

Carmilla’s eyes narrowed and turned, staring down the door ( _Just cooperate, okay?_ ), before giving it a tug, again, and falling backwards, again.

The doctor’s laugh was expected. The arms that snaked around her waist were not; they made her heart skip.

“What would you like, Carmilla?” Dr. Hollis asked, face next to hers.

Carmilla pointed at the pizza she wanted – she was a little embarrassed to be struggling this badly for Pizza Minis, but damnit, she had a craving. The doctor chuckled and let go, stepping in front to grab two boxes, dropping one into her own cart and the other into Carmilla’s. Carmilla didn’t feel as bad.

“You like shitty frozen pizza too? Cupcake, you need to stop being perfect,” Carmilla said, not really thinking.

Dr. Hollis blushed. “Uh, I was really into them when I was in college, and I haven’t kicked the addiction since then, I guess.”

“Speaking of, want to guess what _I_ started being into when I got to college, doc?” Carmilla said, nudging her. She knew it was a bad idea, flirting with the doctor this way, but the way it made her get all flustered was worth it to Carmilla.

She rolled her eyes. “ _Carmilla_ , seriously?”

Carmilla exaggerated a gasp. “What?! I’m talking about _baking_ , sweetheart. I wonder what it says about you, that your mind went _there_.” Carmilla winked.

The doctor blushed. “You’re a jerk.”

Carmilla nodded. “I’ve been told that a few times in my life. Almost as much as I’ve heard that I’m _amazing_ at _baking_.”

Dr. Hollis laughed and shook her head. “Okay, seriously. Let’s change the subject.”

Carmilla smiled and took the doctor’s hand in hers, pulling her closer. She took a step forward.

“Sure. Let’s talk about hownice you look today, Dr. Hollis,” Carmilla said quietly.

“You just like flirting, don’t you?” the doctor asked, her breath hitching.

“Only with cute girls who get flustered easily.” Carmilla brushed her thumb over the back of the doctor’s hand. Their eyes locked; Carmilla leaned forward then the doctor pulled away. Carmilla readjusted herself on her crutch, put off by Dr. Hollis.

She huffed and moved back to her cart.

“Okay, Carmilla,” the doctor said after taking a deep breath, her hands on her cart handle. “Where to now?”

_‘My place?’_ Carmilla thought to herself. She pushed those words down.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I need food and you need food. I might as well follow you and make sure you don’t hurt yourself again.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes and started pushing the cart forward.

“That’s very noble of you.”

The two went through the various aisles of the grocery store together – spending a great deal of time longer than Carmilla ever had spent in the cookie aisle (the doctor sheepishly grabbed several packages of chocolate chip cookies) – filling their carts up. Carmilla mocked her – _playfully_ – about this.

The banter didn’t end between the two; it seemed to be ingrained in all of their interactions. For every sarcastic comment, the doctor had an equally witty retort. Carmilla appreciated having a conversational equal; she liked being challenged. The conversation continued to flow as they reached the check-out aisles.

“So do you live nearby?” the doctor asked.

“Uh, yeah, on 28th Ave. Not too far.”

“Oh, we’re basically neighbours. I’m on Mountbatten Drive, like, five minutes away from you. How’d you get here?”

“I took the bus.”

“ _Carmilla_ ,” the doctor admonished, stopping Carmilla with a hand on her cart.

“What?”

“How are you going to get back?”

Carmilla eyed her cart – she filled it with much more than she intended to – and shrugged. “Take the bus.”

“No, that’s unacceptable. How are you going to carry everything? You’re awful on crutches and you’re not a pack mule.”

“I’ll be fine, cupcake.”

“No, I’m driving you home,” the doctor said, before letting go and continuing forward, into a line.

Carmilla’s mind raced as she followed the doctor’s retreating back.

_Well. This may be interesting._

After paying – and the doctor putting Carmilla’s groceries into her cart (so that Carmilla could use both crutches on the way out) – they left the store.

On the drive to Carmilla’s house, their conversation continued in the easy way it had in the grocery store. Carmilla pointed her in the right direction to her place. It was a little strange; other than her brother and a handful of friends, she never had people over. She definitely never had any girlfriends – or more accurately, women she’d slept with – come over. Not that the doctor was in that category.

The doctor pulled up in front of Carmilla’s house and stopped the car, getting out before Carmilla could do anything. She opened the back door and pulled out Carmilla’s crutches, before going around to the other side of the car, opening the door for Carmilla. Carmilla blushed, shifting and shimmying her way out of the car, carefully maneuvering her leg, accepting them with an embarrassed, “ _Thanks.”_

Carmilla watched her survey the house.

“I see you didn’t manage to get the lights down after all,” the doctor observed, laughing a little. A string of lights remained dangling in front the first floor window, partially attached.

Carmilla shrugged, getting her crutches in place. “It’s a friendly reminder to everyone in the neighbourhood that I’m a genius. You know, if the flashing ambulance lights aren’t burned into their memories.”

“We should be friends,” the doctor said abruptly, as Carmilla lifted herself up.

The doctor’s eyes were warm and kind, but there was something else that Carmilla couldn’t quite place. Carmilla responded cautiously. “Friends, cupcake?”

Dr. Hollis popped the trunk and started taking Carmilla’s groceries out, holding the multiple bags in her hands. “Yeah. I mean, you’re my patient, I’m your doctor, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t, like, go for coffee. As friends.”

_But I don’t want to be friends_ , the voice in the back of Carmilla’s mind said, loudly. Carmilla ignored it; she was just interested in spending more time with the doctor, any way she could.

“Okay,” Carmilla said. The doctor beamed. “You’d be an improvement over my current friends, probably, Dr. Hollis.”

Carmilla led her up the path to her front door.

“ _Laura_.”

“What?”

“You should call me Laura. If we’re going to be friends.”

“Laura.”

“Well, that’s my name,” the doctor said. She suddenly seemed shy.

“Okay. _Laura_.” Carmilla smiled, matching the doctor’s shyness. _Laura._ She liked saying her name.

_Laura_.

She struggled with the key, before opening the door.

“Welcome to my cave,” Carmilla said, leaning her crutches by the door and hopping the rest of the way to her couch in the living room and flopping down onto it.

“I guess I’ll leave these in there?” Laura’s voice said, walking past her, towards the kitchen.

“Thanks, cutie!” she called out.

It was weird to have the person, who had been featured in most of her thoughts lately, in her home. But there she was, seamlessly walking around her home, in a pseudo-domestic role, a role that Carmilla could picture her taking on. It was confusing and frustrating and something she had never pictured with anyone before. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.

She felt the weight of the couch dip next to her legs.

“You okay?”

Carmilla opened her eyes. Laura was perched on the couch.

“Uh, yeah.” She shifted over, making room for Laura to sit. Laura scotched back, gently lifting Carmilla’s legs up and placing them on her lap.

“Nice place.” Laura’s eyes swept the room and Carmilla watched her linger on certain things: Her stack of textbooks on the coffee table, the empty coffee cups next to them, her bass guitar. “I know I don’t know you well, but it seems…very you.”

“It’s filthy in here, so I’m going to take that as a criticism.”

Laura was quiet for a beat, and then she laughed.

“I still can’t believe you fell off your roof over a set of lights. Seriously, Carmilla, how broody are you that you can’t look at the stars from the safety of the ground?”

“ _Hey_ , we were on the ground, then Will started giving me shit for still having my Christmas lights up.“ Carmilla crossed her arms over her chest.

“Rightfully so, Carmilla, it was _February_ ,” Laura teased, earning a glare.

“And you know, what? I didn’t even want those stupid lights up. He made me put those up in the first place, then the asshole didn’t even come for Christmas.”

“Oh...Carm, you were alone on Christmas?”

Laura’s eyes were sympathetic and it made Carmilla feel like she was about an inch tall. She bristled.

“Whatever. It’s nothing. _Anyway_ , I don’t take to people teasing me very well,” ("Clearly,” Laura interrupted), “so I decided to take them down right on the spot.”

Laura laughed. “And look at where it landed you,” she said, tapping her fingers on her cast.

“Well, it landed me you, cutie.”

“ _Smooth.”_

Carmilla picked up on the blush on Laura’s cheeks. “Make fun of me if you must, but I’m pretty sure I managed to convince a pretty girl to come to my home.”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Well, just so you know, now that I’m your friend, you’re not going to be making dangerous decisions like that. At least not without me around to patch you up again.”

Carmilla laughed. “Thanks, cupcake.”

Laura eyed the clock on the cable box. “Shoot, I gotta go, I’m meeting my dad for dinner tonight and I have to bring my groceries home...”

“Oh...” Carmilla sat up and tried to not let her disappointment show.

“Give me your phone – I’ll put in my number...text me sometime.”

Carmilla reached into her pocket and handed her phone over, blatantly staring at Laura, who happily typed into her phone. She didn’t care. She was getting a pretty girl’s number.

“Done!” Laura tossed her phone on the coffee table.

 “Okay. Help me up, Dr. Hollis.”

“ _Laura_. Carmilla, if we’re going to be friends, you _need_ to call me by my name. And my _name_ , not pastries, not my title.”

“So this is actually happening? We’re going to be friends?”

“Duh.”

“Okay, help me up, _Laura_.” Carmilla stretched out her arms.

“And you should really keep your crutches close by.” Laura pulled her up and stepped back as soon as Carmilla was up, distancing herself quickly. Carmilla ignored it and hopped back to the door, with Laura following.

“If I knew being ‘friends’ meant that you’d have license to nag me, I wouldn’t have agreed.”

“No takesies backsies!” Laura’s smile was _so_ big; it was contagious.

“I was under the impression that only twelve year old girls say ‘takesies backsies’, not doctors. If you weren’t so pretty, I wouldn’t be putting up with you right now, Laura.”

Carmilla grinned when she saw the blush on Laura’s cheeks. “Shut up. I’m an excellent doctor.”

Carmilla leaned her back against the wall next to the door and took Laura’s hand, entwining their fingers. “You are, _friend_.”

Laura let go and sighed, busying herself with her purse. “Okay, I should get going.”

“Well, thanks for your help and the ride home. I owe you one.”

“You _could_ be nicer to the staff at the clinic?”

“Nope.”

“Didn’t think so. How about you take me out for dinner?”

Carmilla shamelessly, knowing it would get her nowhere, asked, “On a date?”

It was worth a shot.

Laura’s expression immediately dropped. Then just as quickly she gave Carmilla a half-smile, and (seeming) regretful, answered “No. I’m sorry. Carmilla, you’re-“

Carmilla waved her hand, seeing her response coming. “Sweetheart, stop. It’s okay. I get it.”

“No, just-“

“-I get it. Its okay, doc, no need to explain. I’ll see you in a couple weeks.” Carmilla reached for the door handle. Laura’s hand stopped her, and then took her hand in her own.

_“Carmilla_.”

“You have dinner with your dad, Dr. Hollis.”

“Just _listen_. God, you’re the most stubborn person I have ever meet.”

Carmilla grunted, which Laura responded by squeezing her hand.

“You’re my patient, I’m your doctor, and there are rules in place for a reason,” Laura said, so earnestly that Carmilla felt her feelings for the woman only deepening. “But Carmilla, you’re an interesting, smart, and insanely gorgeous person, and despite the fact that you’re kind of a jerk, I want to get to know you better.”

This was bad. These were things Carmilla _didn’t_ need to hear. They were openings, giving Carmilla hope. It was an _invitation_. If Laura knew what was good for her, she would’ve known to not give her an inch.

“As a friend?” Carmilla asked, a little weakly.

“As a friend,” Laura agreed. “I’ll talk to you soon?”

Carmilla nodded.

Laura reached forward to pat Carmilla’s arm, when, almost as an after thought, she leaned forward to kiss Carmilla’s cheek. Carmilla sighed and turned her face slightly, kissing Laura’s cheek in return. She was torn with her need to respect Laura’s wishes and with her want to find out if Laura’s lips would feel as soft against hers.

Laura opened the door, closing it behind her with a tight smile.

Carmilla leaned back, her head hitting the wall with a thud.

Yeah. This was _all_ going to be _very_ inconvenient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to talk On Your Ground or puppies or anything else, [you can find me here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com). (Seriously though, let's talk puppies.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla feelings get deeper and Laura’s...don’t?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to im-like-a-jedi-like-that on Tumblr who made the [most adorable Dr. AU fanart](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/tagged/carmilla-dr.-au) and made me cry.  
> As usual, thanks to platypiandi for helping me with this one. Send her cookies and love, everyone!

“This cast fucking sucks,” Carmilla grumbled, as the doctor walked in.

“Hello to you too, Carmilla.” Laura bit back a smile, and Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“Seriously, it’s a pain in the ass. I used to be able to saunter. I used to be graceful. Girls used to stare at me when I’d walk past. Now they do, but only because they’re afraid I’ll fall into them or on my face. Again.”

“So no improvement with the crutches from a couple days ago?”

“Ugh. I need to thank you from stopping me from falling on my face; you should just follow me around, catching me whenever I trip or stumble on these stupid fucking crutches.”

The doctor laughed before leaning against the examination table that Carmilla sat on top of. She pulled out the file and asked Carmilla the standard questions and examined the cast and her leg. Laura stayed next to Carmilla for the whole time, leaning into her a little. With Carmilla leaning back against her arms on the table and Laura pressed into her side, it was almost like she tucked herself under Carmilla’s arm.

“So what’s it looking like, cutie? How many more weeks of this shitty cast?”

“You’re healing _remarkably_ well. I’ve ordered some x-rays for next week – I’ll be able to get a better sense then, but I have a hunch you’ll be out of the cast soon!”

“Great. Even a bulky cast boot would be preferable to _this_ ,” Carmilla said, pointing at her leg. The doctor pushed off the side of the table and faced her.

“Well, Carm,” Laura said, shyly tucking her hair behind her ear, “if it makes you feel any better, if a girl who looked like you walked past me, I would definitely stare. Cast or not. See you next week, Carmilla.”

Carmilla’s heart gave a squeeze. Laura reached over and patted her arm, as usual, when Carmilla grabbed her hand, stopping her.

“Wait. Coffee. Let’s do coffee, like you said. As friends.”

“We should. Definitely,” she answered, brightly. “Text me.”

 

* * *

 

 

They sat at a coffee shop a few days later.

Carmilla shared a bit about her own life – she moved to Styria to get away from her family (mostly her mother, she liked Will just fine) for her undergrad and had stayed since. Using some of the money her mom set her up with before (basically) disowning her, she’d been renting out her house, working at a bookstore, and going to school.

Laura told her more about her life as a doctor (“My mom died when I was a kid; that inspired me to become a doctor... Ortho kind of fell on my lap – I was originally thinking oncology, but it hit a little too close to home...”).

She went to med school and completed her internship in different cities. She decided to move back a few months ago, to be closer to her father. Unfortunately, there were no full-time surgical residencies available at any of the nearby hospitals, so she took the position at the clinic. She was able to perform surgeries at the hospital – mostly on a consultancy basis with some of her patients or for the last two months, filling in on a vacation leave – but she was itching to get back in the O.R. more permanently.

The conversation was comfortable. Laura didn’t seem to mind Carmilla’s general distaste for _everything_. She laughed at Carmilla’s snarky jokes, sometimes throwing Carmilla off with her own wit. She reprimanded Carmilla when she was too harsh, keeping Carmilla on her toes. She listened when Carmilla shared her frustrations about the situation – the injury, the pain, the crutches (Carmilla didn’t complain about their appointments though. She couldn’t even complain as a joke). Laura was nothing but empathetic, encouraging, and helpful.

And learning more about Laura did nothing but affirm her interest in the woman. That said, Laura was quick to bring up – and continued to bring up throughout the _non_ -date – that she was glad to have this ‘friendship’ with Carmilla.

But Laura was _way_ too interested in her. Her looks lingered too long to be considered just ‘friendly’; she took every opportunity to hold Carmilla’s hand, squeeze her arm, push back her hair from her face.

At the end of the night, being forced to leave as the coffee shop was closing, Laura leaned in and kissed Carmilla on the cheek. Carmilla almost turned to meet her lips again. Something stopped her – something that _didn’t_ want to ruin this, something that didn’t want her to be selfish and irrational.

But she went home wishing it were a real date.

 

* * *

 

Week three and it was torture. Not because of the cast (which was alright – she was finally starting to become more comfortable using the crutches). No, Carmilla had perseverated on her ‘friendship’ with Laura _all week_. She hated it.

She was back at the clinic but wasn’t there to see Laura. She had a meeting with the physiotherapist who she was going to start to see after they removed her cast, which she was hoping would be soon. She was waiting for the therapist in the physio room when Laura walked in with a person she had never met before.

“Hey, doc – did I get the dates mixed up or something?”

At this point she wouldn’t have been surprised if she did. These feelings she had for Laura, which had been rapidly and embarrassingly growing, were highly distracting.

“Carm – I mean, _Miss Karnstein_ , no, you’re at the right place. I just wanted to introduce you to my friend LaFontaine,” Laura said, happily. “They’re your physiotherapist.”

LaF (as they preferred to be called) and the doctor were close friends, Laura explained. She heard LaF was seeing Carmilla today and wanted to stop by to say hello – and warn them about Carmilla’s infamous grumpiness, Laura said, with a glint in her eyes.

“Yeah, Dr. Hollis has told me _a lot_ about you, Carmilla. Haven’t you, Laura?”

“LaF, seriously?” She turned red.

“Yeah? It all started a couple weeks ago, you know, when we had the conversation where you said it was totally acceptable to force your interns to do your paperwork so you could hop back to the hospital to gawk at the ‘super hot’ woman-” Laura’s hand clasped over LaFontaine’s mouth before they could continue.

“’Super hot,’ cupcake?” Carmilla grinned, feeling the heat rise up her cheeks, but enjoying the exchange between the two friends. This was doing incredible things for her self-esteem.

“ _Anyway_ , like I said, LaFontaine will be your physiotherapist,” Laura said through gritted teeth, embarrassed. She lifted her hand from LaFontaine’s mouth. They smirked at the doctor and nudged her and winked at Carmilla. The doctor looked flustered.

“So _,_ I have to go take care of some rounds because it’s always good for doctors to keep consistent contact with their patients, obviously, and it gives the interns a break, which provides them the opportunity to strengthen their writing, which is important, especially with our _very_ particular filing and paperwork system, which is why I encourage them to fill out mine sometimes, for no other reason other than that,” she said, in one breath. “ _Okay, LaFontaine?”_

LaFontaine responded by laughing. “Okay.”

Carmilla bit her lip to stop herself from laughing with LaFontaine. She quirked an eyebrow at Laura, who nervously shrugged.

“LaFontaine exaggerates. Right, LaFontaine?” Laura nudged LaFontaine and they grinned and nodded. “Carmilla, I’ll see you tomorrow – you’ll be getting x-rays first, then I’ll meet you for your appointment. Depending on how your x-rays go, I suspect I’m going to have some great news tomorrow.”

Laura squeezed her arm and quickly left the room – not without (playfully) shooting an angry look at LaFontaine on the way out.

Carmilla watched Laura walk out and felt pretty good about herself. If Laura’s attraction was clear to other people, it wasn’t completely one-sided. Obviously Laura was far more interested in Carmilla than she let on.

“Carmilla,” LaF said, snapping their fingers in front of her face. “Dr. Hollis is long gone; you won’t be able to see her through the walls.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Carmilla bristled, embarrassed to be caught.

“ _Okay_ , lover girl, let’s get this session started. I’m going to get you back to full strength so that when you’re all healed and no longer our patient, you can run after Dr. Hollis instead of creepily staring at her. By the way, she likes girls with edge, which I can see that you have, clearly, with the way you’re glaring at me and stuff.”

“Bite me, LaFontaine.”

“We’re going to get along _great_ , Carmilla,” LaFontaine said, genuinely.

Carmilla couldn’t help but smile back.

 

* * *

  
  
Carmilla was at the clinic again the next day, waiting for Laura in the examination room. She was preoccupied with figuring out what to do with the doctor. Last night she had written out (and deleted) several texts to Laura, ultimately not sending anything to her. It was _obvious_ that Laura was interested in her. Obvious. Carmilla just didn’t know how to proceed from here; Laura’s insistence that they remain friends confused her.

She had just gotten new x-rays done; the technician hinted that she was healing quite well – he made a dumb joke about her having incredible healing strength, like she was super human or a vampire. (Carmilla just stared at him blankly. She hated it when people thought they were funny.)

“Miss Karnstein, how are you?” Laura said, bursting into the room and closing the door behind her. She stopped next to the examination table and grinned.

It was like light filled the room; the doctor was _stunning_. Every time Carmilla saw her, she took her breath away. She wondered _how_ , how it was possible for a woman to be _that beautiful_. Really, Carmilla was offended by her entire existence. She was a cliché – beautiful, intelligent, and headstrong. A doctor. A surgeon. It was _offensive_.

“Better now, cutie.”

Laura rolled her eyes and muttered, _“You are shameless, Carmilla,”_ loud enough for Carmilla to hear her (and laugh), then opened her file. “Let’s take a look at your x-rays…”

Inspecting the x-rays on the wall light box, Laura told her that the healing process was going well and that she could definitely remove her cast today. She would still have to wear a cast boot, which she could fit her for today, but that limping everywhere would probably be preferred to accidentally crushing people’s toes with her crutches. Carmilla was relieved.

Laura left the room to get a nurse and check the variety of cast boots available in storage for ones that would fit Carmilla. She returned, pushing a cart full of cast boots that were around Carmilla’s size and with a man she introduced as Nurse Armitage.

“Legs up on the table, Miss Karnstein!”

The two made quick work of removing the cast. Carmilla was repulsed when they removed it. In all fairness, Laura warned her – a month in a cast allowed for some nasty stuff to happen under there – but the doctor and the nurse continued on, it not being as big of a deal to either of them. The nurse left the room with Carmilla’s old cast to be discarded.

It felt _so good_ for it to be removed. Laura delicately examined Carmilla’s leg. She winced; her leg felt foreign and weak.

“Looks great, Carmilla. Your leg has healed nicely. And like I said before, you have a neat scar!”

“It looks gross.” Carmilla gagged. It really did.

Laura laughed. “Well, that’s to be expected. But with LaF’s help, your muscle tone will be back to normal in no time.”

“I don’t know how you do this, cutie,” Carmilla grimaced. “It’s gross. I’m gross.”

Laura rolled her eyes. She went over to the cart and busied herself with the various casts on it.

“Carmilla, you’re not gross at all. You look lovely, beautiful, really, as usual,” she said absently, not paying any attention to Carmilla’s reaction – which she was glad for, as her cheeks felt warm and she had to bite her lip from smiling too broadly.

“You think I’m beautiful, cupcake? I mean, what is it, am I ‘super hot’ or ‘beautiful’?”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Oh _,_ Carmilla...”

Carmilla smirked. “ _’Oh Carmilla!’_ ” she teased, saying it _way more_ sexually. “You’re not the first girl to say that to me. Usually in very different circumstances, you know, after I finish and come back up from under the – “

The doctor held her hand up – “I’m going to stop you right there, Carm,” she said, turning red, but with a glint in her eyes.

Carmilla shrugged teasingly. “Oops, sorry sweetheart. Did I say too much?”

Laura let out a _hmph_ , turning back to the cart. She picked up a cast, looked at it closely and looked back at Carmilla’s leg. She put it back down, picking another instead and bringing it to Carmilla.

The doctor slowly lifted Carmilla’s leg and slid the boot under her leg, checking if it would fit. Her leg barely settled before Laura, still _so_ gently, removed it. She did this once more with another cast before shaking her head.

“No, that’s not right either.”

She went back to the cart and picked up another boot, something that was a little longer but less bulky.

“This is kind of like getting your wand at Olivander’s,” Carmilla said. She cringed. She was a grown fucking woman who just made a Harry Potter reference to a _doctor_.

“The cast chooses the leg, Mr. Potter,” She said seriously, before breaking out the brightest grin Carmilla had ever seen in her life. Carmilla’s heart pounded in her chest; she hoped Laura wouldn’t notice. She couldn’t remember ever smiling as much as she had in the last few weeks in her _life_. Laura just...brought this out of her.

She had to do something about it.

Laura settled Carmilla’s leg into the boot and seemed satisfied, strapping her leg in.

“Looks like it fits.”

Laura showed Carmilla how to correctly put on the cast and helped her walk around the room a few times, to make sure her legs were strong enough to support her weight. She ran though some important information now that her plaster cast was removed.

“And how’s the pain been?” Laura asked, as Carmilla sat down on a chair next to the examination table.

“About 4. Off and on; not as bad as it used to be, but that could be because you’re here with me.”

“I’ve been told that my presence has healing effects on broken bones,” Laura replied, dryly.

“You’re easily the only woman in the world who claims to not find me charming and irresistible.”

“It’s not a claim,” Laura said. “It’s true. Maybe that’s why I’ve been brought into your life, Carm. I’m here to remind you that you’re _not that great_.”

Carmilla raised her eyebrows and looked at Laura – _really_ looked at her. She was red (Carmilla noticed she was usually blushing at any given time when she was around). She was smiling. Her eyes looked warm, if not a little challenging.

She wanted to look at that face forever.

“Anyway,” the doctor said, finishing writing in Carmilla’s file, “it looks like we’re done here.”

Carmilla swallowed, her mouth feeling dry. She took a deep breath and stood up. “I guess I’ll see you here in a few weeks, doc?”

“Four weeks! You’re on your way to full recovery, Carm.”

Laura reached forward, and as usual, squeezed her arm. Carmilla, feeling bold, leaned forward and pressed her lips to her cheek, lingering closer to the corner of Laura’s mouth than she intended. When she finally did pull away, she saw Laura’s eyes flutter open, a wistful expression on her face.

“We should hang out again,” Laura said softly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Laura paused, before continuing, “In the name of maintaining friendships, we should hang out.” She dropped her hand.

Carmilla winced, and with a little bite, she answered, “Friends. If you say so.”

“Carm...” Laura looked _so_ torn, and _so_ beautiful, Carmilla was starting to feel like it was _necessary_ for her own sanity to just fuck it all and go for it. She always got what she was wanted; she never had to ‘work this hard’ to get attention from anyone she was interested in. The chase was fun, but she wanted more. She needed more.

She sighed, and shook her head at herself, clinging to whatever self-respect she had left.

“It’s fine, cupcake. Text me.” She leaned forward, quickly kissing Laura’s cheek once more before walking out of the room.

 

* * *

 

“Maybe you’re just into her ‘cause you can’t have her,” Danny said, through a mouthful of Carmilla’s fries. Carmilla pushed the plate towards Danny, letting her finish off the last of them.

A week after her appointment, Carmilla and Danny sat by the windows at a pub near her place. Carmilla made the mistake of telling Danny about her current ‘situation’ with the doctor, and Danny was insistent they discuss her ‘problem’ as soon as possible, with shitty food and alcohol.

Carmilla shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought about that, and I’d agree but you saw her. She’s _so fucking cute_ , I have two reactions when I see her: I want to fuck her and I want to mock her. So I do the latter, hoping that it won’t fuck up my chances to eventually do the former.”

Danny gagged then took a swig of her beer. “Don’t be gross.”

Carmilla chuckled, sipping own drink.

“I just – I don’t know what to do. You’ve had a million girlfriends and boyfriends,” Danny scoffed but nodded, ‘cause, yeah, she dated a fair amount, “is it always this hard to _like_ someone?“ Carmilla cringed over her words; it was so juvenile to describe her feelings that way.

Danny’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, are you actually experiencing real, human emotions, Carmilla?”

“Shut up, Xena.”

“This is incredible,” Danny said, looking impressed. “You are actually interested in someone. This is huge.”

“No it’s not.” Carmilla blushed and bit her lip to stop the smile from creeping onto her face. She knew she was doing a terrible job when Danny’s face lit up.

“Ha! You are. You’re smitten. It’s weird!” Danny laughed. Something past Carmilla distracted Danny. She smirked. “Well, what are the chances? Speaking of the devil – isn’t that Dr. Tiny?”

“What?” Carmilla quickly turned around in the booth to see Laura walking into the restaurant. She didn’t realize she was still grinning until she got reason to stop, when the woman behind Laura reached forward and took her hand in hers.

Then she felt her stomach drop when Laura pressed a quick, chaste kiss on her lips.

Laura _kissed_ someone else. Carmilla was overwhelmed with a need to hit, to yell, to pitch a fit. She clenched her jaw.

“Shit, I think she’s on a date. Shit, Carmilla.” Danny sounded sympathetic. Carmilla felt shame bubble over in her over the tone of Danny’s voice.

The pair walked towards the back of the pub near them and Carmilla quickly turned around, ducking her head.

“Shit. Did she see us?!”

“No, she didn’t, it’s fine. They’re on the other side of the room.”

_(Oh god. I’m an idiot. I’m a fucking idiot.)_

Sweet, loyal Danny hunched over in her seat. Carmilla felt herself regress and place blame. If she couldn’t lash out at Laura, Danny was a good enough target.

_(Laura’s on a date. She has a fucking girlfriend.)_

“Why the fuck did I have to be out with you, Gigantor? You’re like a big red flashing sign.”

Carmilla briefly looked over at Laura and her _date_. They were sitting next to each other, not at all in view of Danny and Carmilla. Laura rocked forward, laughing at whatever the woman said. Carmilla seethed and faced Danny.

_(I’ve been throwing myself at her, and she’s probably been laughing at me with her fucking girlfriend this entire time.)_

“Dude, relax,” Danny said, eyebrows furrowing. She threw her hood up, seemingly trying to appease Carmilla.

“Oh, you put your hood on, wow, you’re basically invisible, Hagrid, great job,” Carmilla bit.

_(Of course she wasn’t interested. I’m a joke. I’m a fucking joke.)_

Danny flinched. “Hey, I’m trying to be helpful - ”

“I should make my fucking friends pass a height requirement. Do you understand how hard it is to be seen around you? People stare; you look like a freak show exhibit. People probably think your parents were cousins.”

_(Why didn’t she_ fucking _tell me?!)_

Danny sank further in her seat but glared.

“Carmilla, shut up. I get that you’re pissed, but don’t be a dick to me just because your crush has a girlfriend.”

Carmilla heard Laura’s laugh cut through the air and she flinched.

_(Fuck.)_

She gulped down the last of her beer and pulled out her wallet, throwing down enough money to pay for Danny’s meal too. She hoped Danny would take it as an apology.

“Whatever. Let’s just get out of here.” She looked over – they say pain is character building, and this moment she felt it in spades. Carmilla recognized the shy smile Laura was giving her date. She had received it a few times. “While she’s distracted.”

The two shuffled out; Carmilla was glad she had the cast boot on instead of the crutches. They afforded her a _little_ bit of stealth. Danny used her height to her advantage and blocked Carmilla from their view. She looked over briefly; Laura didn’t even look up. She didn’t notice her at all.

She was too engrossed in her date.

Carmilla felt sick.

When they reached outside, Danny put her hand on Carmilla’s shoulder. “Hey, are you going to be okay?”

Danny looked worried and sad for her, which made Carmilla feel pathetic. She was pathetic. Her and Laura were nothing. _Nothing_.

Carmilla cleared her throat, dismissively. “Yeah. Whatever. It’s no big deal.”

Danny probably knew not to press the issue further; she nodded.

Walking home, she didn’t bother putting her coat on, letting the cold air distract her from thinking about the doctor. It wasn’t until she got home when she realized her leg was _killing_ her. She walked straight to her couch and fell onto it.

How fucked up was she? She wasn’t even in a relationship with the woman, but she felt angry, and possessive, and betrayed. She was so upset that she didn’t even realize that she could barely stand; the pain in her leg was too much.

_Well. I guess she really did want to fucking be my friend_ , she thought, grimacing as she took her cast off to rub her leg.

She thought back to all their interactions – moments that Carmilla had obsessed over for the last couple months and decided two things.

One: she was an idiot. She had this coming, falling for someone over nothing. She knew the doctor wasn’t interested in her that way, yet she willfully chose to ignore everything Laura said about how she felt about her.

This was her own fucking fault.

Two: Laura led her on. Carmilla was shameless, unabashed with her flirting and innuendos. And she did nothing to stop her. Not really. She had every right to be fucking _pissed_ at Laura.

She was going to focus on point two rather than point one. It hurt less to blame Laura than it did herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me [here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/) if you want to talk about how dreamy Dr. Hollis would be.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla stews. Then confronts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to platypiandi for all her help, as usual.

Light from Carmilla’s phone filled the dark room. She looked over at the clock. It was almost midnight. She wasn’t asleep; she was about to get up anyway, so she grabbed her phone.

_Laura:_ ‘ _Hey, Carmilla! Lets do coffee tomorrow?’_

Carmilla rolled her eyes. It was just two days after seeing her on her date. Laura was a fucking piece of work.

Carmilla typed out, ‘Can’t, I’m busy.’ and hit _Send_. Almost immediately, Laura’s response came.

_Laura: ‘:( K, text me when you’re free!’_

Carmilla’s thumb hovered over the phone icon, deciding whether or not she should phone her and call her out on her shit, but a voice next to her in bed interrupted her.

“Baby, get off your phone...” the woman said (her name was Elsie, if she remembered correctly. Carmilla made note not to actually call her anything, just in case she was wrong). She wrapped her arm around Carmilla’s waist; Carmilla pulled away.

“I gotta go, babe,” Carmilla mumbled, getting out of bed and throwing on her clothes and strapping on her cast. She heard her voice ask her to _wait, stay,_ that she _didn’t get her number_ , but Carmilla pretended not to hear her and slammed the front door behind her.

She still felt the woman’s touch against her skin; for a moment she let herself pretend they were from Laura’s hands.

* * *

 

Carmilla fidgeted on the examination table waiting for the doctor. It had been weeks since she last spoke to her. Carmilla’s pride didn’t allow her to text Laura back but after that night but she hadn’t heard from the doctor either.

Time did absolutely nothing to lessen the embarrassment over having feelings for someone who didn’t give two shits about her.

Much to her disappointment, when Laura came into the examination room, the butterflies came back.

Carmilla was screwed. She was so fucked up. She broke her own damn heart and seeing the doctor’s beautiful smile, completely unaware that she hurt her, made her feel even more weak and pathetic.

“Hey Carmilla. How’s it going? I haven’t seen you in awhile.”

Carmilla could barely meet her eyes. “I’ve been okay.”

Laura’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you sure? Is it your leg, are you feeling any pain?”

_She has no fucking idea._ Carmilla snapped. “My leg’s alright.”

“...Ooookaay,” Laura drew out. Carmilla looked at her, pointedly in the eyes, which seemed to appease the doctor – slightly. “Well, Carmilla, let’s get on with your appointment. We don’t want to keep LaFontaine waiting.”

Laura ran through the general checklist; Carmilla’s responses were short and succinct. The sooner she could get out of here, the sooner she could breathe again.

_(She is just one of many. She’s nothing. She’s just a girl. She’s no one.)_

Laura frowned. “Okay, what’s going on Carmilla?”

“Nothing. I’m _fine_ ,” she said through gritted teeth.

“You’re not yourself.” Laura sounded concerned and invested. Carmilla seethed. How could she be so thick?!

She glared. “Sweetheart, you don’t know me.”

Laura’s shoulders sagged. “Well, I thought we were changing that?” she asked. Her voice was small; it made Carmilla feel better.

She hoped Laura felt an iota of what she was feeling.

_(She’s not nothing. You’re nothing. You’re nothing to her.)_

“Well. Let’s just keep things professional, right?” Carmilla said, her tone biting.

The doctor’s eyebrows furrowed. “Oh. Okay...” She sounded disappointed. Carmilla actively chose to remain indifferent. It was hard around Laura. “Well. We’re done here so...you can go back to the waiting room and wait for LaFontaine.”

“Okay,” Carmilla said. Somehow Laura’s frown went deeper.

“Carm,” Laura reached forward and Carmilla stiffened at her touch. She pulled back immediately. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Just peachy.”

“Are _we_ okay?”

“There isn’t a _we_ , Dr. Hollis,” clenching her jaw to keep her from yelling.

At her title, Laura looked stunned. If she was trying to hide it from Carmilla, she was doing a terrible job. Carmilla was trying to decide between screaming at her or grabbing her and kissing her. But then she remembered she had a girlfriend.

She bit her lip and watched Laura’s eyes follow the movement.

_(She’s everything and you’re nothing.)_

“Well...we should still go for coffee at some point?”

Laura looked hopeful and Carmilla was thisclose to caving. But she couldn’t. She was just going to keep hurting herself – and this was _not_ her. She didn’t ever yearn for anyone and she absolutely didn’t ever _fall_ for anyone.

A knock at the door – Carmilla’s saving grace – interrupted them. She was never happier to see LaFontaine’s smug little face.

Laura jumped away – they hadn’t even been standing close together at all.

“Uh, hey, sorry for the interruption Dr. Hollis – it’s just my turn to bug Miss Karnstein here,” they said, completely oblivious.

Laura nodded and excused herself out of the rooms without another word to Carmilla.

* * *

 

_Laura: ‘You free to go for coffee tomorrow?’_

_Carmilla: ‘No.’_

_Laura: ‘The day after?’_

_Carmilla: ‘Busy, too.’_

_Laura: ‘Are you avoiding me?’_

_Carmilla: ‘No.’_

_Laura: ‘Then hang out with me.’_

Carmilla rolled her eyes and ignored the text. She smiled at the girl at the end of the bar (who had been blatantly staring at her) and asked the bartended to send over a drink. A few moments later, the girl got up for her seat and sauntered towards Carmilla. She smirked and put her phone away.

How do you get over someone? Find a distraction.

* * *

 

It was early in the morning a week later when Carmilla saw her next.

Carmilla was making her getaway – leaving a particularly clingy one-night stand – and was disoriented as to where she was. She knew she was near her place, but the hangover was muddling her memory. She looked down the sidewalk, looking for the street sign when she saw _her_.

Laura was jogging towards her.

It was like time slowed down as the doctor got closer, ear buds in, looking focused and disciplined.

Carmilla’s instinct was to hide.

The smile that graced Laura’s face when she spotted her told her it was too late to run back inside (which was saying something – she’d rather deal with the anger from her one-night stand than talk to Laura).

Carmilla wrapped her arms around herself, telling herself that it was to shield herself from the chilly April morning air, but she felt her defenses go up as when the doctor stopped in front of her.

“Fancy seeing you here, Carmilla,” Laura said brightly, regulating her breath. Her running gear was practical for the weather, but it was still tight and left little to the imagination. Carmilla willed herself to keep her eyes on her face.

She failed.

_(Fuck. Fuck. Why is she so hot? Fuck.)_

“I texted you,” Laura said, crinkling her nose in the cute way that made Carmilla’s stomach flip.

“I’ve been busy.”

“I gathered that. Although if I could offer some critique, it’s hard to read tone through text – maybe throw in a winky face or an exclamation mark, so I know that you’re not avoiding me or mad at me or something,” Laura said, grinning.

Carmilla wasn’t amused.

She scowled. “Whatever.”

The air between the two changed; Laura’s carefree expression dropped. She frowned.

“Okay, Carmilla,” Laura said, hands on her hips. “I know you _think_ I don’t know you, but I’ve gotten to know you a little in the last couple of months. And despite how _‘complicated’_ and _‘complex’_ you think you are,” Carmilla rolled her eyes at Laura’s emphasis, as she did a horrible impression, “you’re not. So tell me, what’s going on with you? You’re not yourself.”

She huffed. “Nothing’s going on with me.”

“Cut the crap. Stop being a jerk and just tell me why you’ve been so...”

“What?”

“Distant. Like you’re mad at me.”

Carmilla sighed. “It’s nothing, doc. I should go – “

“No, not without you talking to me. You should know by now that one of my talents is forcing people to open up. So talk. Why are you mad at me?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re _something_ at me. And what are you even doing here, your place is like, ten blocks that way,” she said, pointing in the opposite direction she came from.

“I was with...a _friend_.” Carmilla accompanied the word with a smirk and the lift of her eyebrow; Laura stiffened.

Well, it looked like Laura caught on quickly about _some_ things. She definitely seemed to understand what kind of _friend_ Carmilla was with.

“Oh.”

“Look, I’ve been busy. I have a life. Plenty of things to do. Places to see. Girls to _do_ and _see_. But I’m sure you can relate to that, right Dr. Hollis?”

Laura was taken aback. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She decided to lean right into being petty. “I saw you. Out with a ‘friend’?”

Laura shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

“Last month,” she said, a little more forcefully than intended. “The pub on 30th.”

“Oh! You should’ve said hello...” Laura was obviously confused.

“Clearly you were on a date, Dr. Hollis. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Carmilla, you’re my friend.” Carmilla glowered. “It wouldn’t have been a disturbance.”

Carmilla was aggravated. “You seem to have a lot of _friends_.”

“What do you mean?”

Laura couldn’t look smaller if she tried; it emboldened Carmilla.

“Is she a patient too? Is that how you find all of your _friends_ , Dr. Hollis?”

Laura’s eyebrows furrowed. “What are you insinuating, Carmilla?”

“Seriously?”

“Look, I met her through some friends. I’m not even really seeing her anymore. I didn’t realize that’s what has been upsetting you-” Laura stopped herself. “Carmilla, we’re friends. Right? Like, I...I don’t need to explain myself to you like this.” Laura squared her shoulders. “You’re _not_ my girlfriend...”

Carmilla’s temper, which had been simmering the moment she saw her, bubbled over.

“Do you really have that little self-awareness, sweetheart? For a doctor, you’re really _fucking_ stupid.”

Laura blanched. “Excuse me?!” she said exasperatedly. Her eyes flashed; it was all Carmilla needed to continue.

“You have no idea, _Dr. Hollis,_ ” Carmilla said, biting her words.

“Stop calling me that, Carmilla, I’m _Laura_. Don’t call me Dr. Hollis when it’s just you and me. My name is _Laura_!” Her raised voice almost threw Carmilla off, but she continued.

“Why is that, Dr. Hollis? Does it make you feel less guilty about wanting to fuck your patients?”

“Carmilla, what is your problem? Stop talking to me like this!“ Laura looked about ready to slap her. Both of them were breathing heavily.

Carmilla broke first.

“You don’t get it! I’ve been _throwing_ myself at you. I don’t know how much clearer I can be about how I feel – how I _felt_.” Carmilla’s voice wavered and she felt her eyes water (she hated this about herself, when she got _really_ upset, she’d cry). Laura’s anger quickly changed to sadness, pity, and something else she couldn’t place.

She pushed down the embarrassment, the jealousy, and the _hurt_. She replaced it with as much detachment as she could muster. “Whatever, cupcake. This is stupid. It’s...it’s nothing.”

“Carmilla...” Laura’s voice filled with concern. “Look, I’m...shocked. And confused. And I’m sorry I made you feel like this, whatever I did, I’m sorry.”

“’ _Whatever I did?_ ’ Really?”

“Carmilla, all I wanted was to be your friend, so if you misinterpreted my intentions, I’m sorry...”

Carmilla’s eyes narrowed. “You wanted to be my _friend_ , cupcake?”

“Carmilla...”

Carmilla pinched the bridge of her nose. “Who are you trying to convince? I’m not an idiot; I see how you look at me. I know there’s something between us. There _has_ to be something between us, otherwise I’m the biggest idiot in the world. So don’t pretend that this is all one-sided.”

Laura frowned and looked away. She looked like she was about to cry.

“Carmilla...I’m your doctor. We... _I..._ can’t...”

Carmilla took a deep breath. “I’m going to go.”

Laura nodded. Her bottom lip quivered, eyes looking everywhere but at Carmilla.

Carmilla wanted nothing more than to hug the woman but she couldn’t take the chance she’d be rejected. Again.

She turned around and walked towards her house. Every step she took was harder than the last. Confronting Laura didn’t make her feel any better. Seeing Laura that way didn’t give her any satisfaction.

To Carmilla’s surprise, that night she received a text from Laura, asking her to go for coffee the next day. Carmilla rubbed her temples, almost considering turning her down. She sighed and typed out a quick response, doing it before she could back down.

She tried not to read into Laura’s reply.

_Laura: ‘See you soon. I have a lot I need to say. x'_

* * *

 

Laura was already sitting, with two cups of coffee, when Carmilla arrived. Before she even took off her jacket, Laura started speaking.

“First: I’m sorry.”

Carmilla sat. So it began.

“No, cupcake, I’m...”

Laura pushed a cup towards her.

“No, Carmilla. Stop. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but I’m mostly sorry for how I treated you. I didn’t mean to mislead you. I’m sorry.”

“Okay...”

She took another deep breath. “You are right, Carmilla.”

“About what?”

Laura’s stared at Carmilla with an intensity that Carmilla had never seen from her before and said: “I...have feelings for you. And you feel the same for me.”

Carmilla’s heart leapt into her throat, not at all expecting her to be so forthcoming. She nodded, not trusting her voice.

Laura smiled sadly.

“Be honest: If I wasn’t your doctor, and we met a different way, what would’ve happened between us?”

“Laura...” Carmilla carefully considered how to respond. Her palms were sweaty and she her chest swelled with _hope_. She didn’t trust it. “I don’t know how discussing a hypothetical like that would be good for either of us...”

Laura propped her elbows on the table, covering her face. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”

“ _Hey_ ,” Carmilla said, reaching for Laura’s hand, pulling it from her face and holding it on the table. “This has been...an atypical situation for both of us. But we’ve gotten a new friend each, right?”

Laura scoffed at the word ‘friend’.

“Plus, if you’re a mess, you’re at least a cute mess, cupcake.”

Laura laughed – it was quiet and not her usual (beautiful) full laugh, but it still made Carmilla smile.

She stared at Laura, who’s attention was out the window, lost in thought. She was going to break the silence – make a comment about the weather – when Laura spoke.

“I just...I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. And while your delivery was completely...messed up...I realized you were right.” Laura sighed and pulled her hand away.

“Laura...I’m an asshole.”

“You are. And you were a huge fucking asshole to me, Carmilla.”

Laura never swore. Before Carmilla could comment on that fact, Laura continued.

“Look, Carmilla, if you’re going to be in my life, then you can’t treat me that way. No matter how frustrated you are with me. Just _talk_ to me next time. Before it gets to the point where you think you have to...intentionally hurt me.” Laura’s eyes watered; she blinked back any tears that threatened to escape. Carmilla reached forward again, placing her hand on top of hers.

“I’m sorry, Laura.”

Laura nodded and turned her hand up, holding Carmilla’s. She gave it a squeeze.

“I thought you were just flirtatious. I enjoyed sparring with you. Then when you made it clear that you were interested in me, my first response was to not believe you. Women like you aren’t ever interested in women like me.” Carmilla arched an eyebrow, about to dispute her when Laura shook her head.

“Don’t interrupt me, Carm. It’s true. You’re sexy and charming and I’m goofy and nerdy...” Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Look, I tried to convince myself that it was one-sided, but I couldn’t keep lying to myself...”

She sighed and pulled her hand away.

“I just...I wish I wasn’t your doctor.”

Carmilla felt winded.

“Then stop being my doctor.”

Laura sighed.

“It’s not that easy. Even if I did, there are so many implications and restrictions, especially due to the nature of our current relationship; who knows how it’d look. And there are no other doctors who would be willing to take you on at the clinic, and the closest clinic accepting new patients is in Mississauga and you don’t have a car so I might as well be asking you to drive to Sudbury...”

Carmilla half-smiled. “You’ve thought about this.”

She blushed and nodded. “A little.”

Carmilla felt the bubble of hope grow larger. “We could...keep it a secret?”

Laura’s expression darkened. The bubble burst.

“No. Absolutely not. I’m...I’m a lot of things, hopelessly pathetic being one of those things, but I’m not going to do anything to further jeopardize my career. Not for anything or anyone. I can’t take that chance, Carmilla.”

Silence washed over the pair. Carmilla fiddled with the coffee cup sleeve. She looked at Laura. Despite the fact that Laura looked every bit as stunning as she did when they first met (more so, really), she also looked _tired_.

“Are you still seeing her?” she asked, switching gears. She didn’t even know Laura’s date’s name, nor did she want to learn it.

“Not really. We went out a few times but...”

“But?”

“You know why, Carmilla.” She rubbed her forehead, seemingly trying to rub the stress away.

“Enlighten me.”

Laura blew out a breath. “It didn’t feel _right_. I felt like I was cheating on you...”

Carmilla was overwhelmed.

“Laur...”

Laura shook her head. “We shouldn’t be talking about this.”

“No, it’s fine. We’re friends. Friends talk about stuff like this.”

“I _hate_ being your friend,” Laura whined.

Carmilla laughed sardonically. “Me too, cutie. Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me [here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com).


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s really hard being friends with Laura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to platypiandi.

Laura wouldn’t stop touching her. Platonically.

It was frustrating, to say the least. For Carmilla, floodgates had opened. Conclusively knowing Laura was interested in her only goaded her on.

The past two weeks were a celibate dating experience, basically. Nothing ever came up about their conversation where they admitted their feelings to one another, but it didn’t need to be said. And nothing ever happened – well, nothing, in terms of sex or even kissing, but it hung in the air. Like a suffocating blanket that looked a great deal like Laura in her little shorts and tank top, which is what she was wearing right now.

She didn’t know how it was possible for someone to look _edible_ , but Laura did and had no idea. Or maybe she did. She probably did; Laura was surprisingly devious.

Carmilla traced her eyes up Laura’s body, in the least objectifying way she could (it was purely for science, to admire God’s great creation, to gaze upon living art, etc.), and when she landed on Laura’s face, she found Laura smirking back at her, eyebrows raised.

Well shit. She was caught.

Carmilla blushed and turned away. She shifted in her seat a little, not realizing she had worked herself up so much. She heard Laura laugh as she made her way back to her kitchen.

See? Laura was devious.

Carmilla loved it. She could just eat her alive.

Yeah, it was getting hard to ignore the physical compatibility that they shared. (‘Physical compatibility’ was Carmilla’s clinical way of avoiding saying ‘sexual tension’; it was in an effort to make her less, well, horny, when thinking about her relationship with Laura. It didn’t work.)

And again, it didn’t help that Laura wouldn’t stop touching her. They’d hung out a few times – always in private, at one of their places (which felt a lot like sneaking around) and each time Laura always found a reason to touch her.

(“Friends hold hands, right?” “Sure.”

“Friends cuddle?” “Fine, cupcake.”

“Friends spend the night?” “Laura, you’re going to kill me.” That one was a joke. Carmilla was 80% sure of it.)

She didn’t _mind_ , per say. Carmilla wasn’t an idiot. If a beautiful woman wanted to touch her, she was going to let her touch her.

But sometimes it was too much. Sometimes she had to stop herself from grabbing her and kissing her, and finally letting go of almost three months of sexual frustration. (No matter how many _‘friends’_ Carmilla had, somehow none of them made her feel half as alive as Laura had with her damn hand-holding and cuddling.)

Speaking of those girls, as far as Carmilla concerned, they dropped off the face of the earth. Unfortunately that didn’t deter them from contacting her, which led to some discomfort – on Carmilla’s part – when her and Laura were together and her phone wouldn’t stop lighting up from texts.

“You’re popular, Carm.” Laura reached over and grabbed Carmilla’s phone from the side table next to her couch. She scrolled through the messages. “Twelve texts from five different girls. One of whom is named ‘Brunette With The Hair Thing’. What an interesting name, Carmilla.” Laura smiled sweetly.

“Uh, excuse me? Ever hear of privacy?” Carmilla said, taking her phone back.

“And by ‘Hair Thing’, does that mean her hair did a weird style thing or did she have a weird fetish for hair?”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. She stopped herself from saying ‘ _I can explain! These women mean nothing to me!’_ but it felt too much like a girlfriend thing to say.

“It’s no big deal, you’re allowed to have a life.” Laura’s voice was cautious, deliberate. Carmilla stared for a beat, trying to assess her. Was she jealous?

Was it bad that Carmilla _wanted_ her to be jealous?

“I do have a life. They’re just....some people in my major,” Carmilla lied. Poorly. She knew this when Laura’s eyebrows shot up. “We’re all trying to figure out a time to study together, we have a group project...”

“Study? So they’re your ’study buddies’? Is that what we’re calling them?” Laura teased.

Carmilla sighed. “Look, Laura...I haven’t... _you know_...at all since we...talked.”

“Of course you haven’t, we’ve hung out basically every night this week, when would you have time?” Laura said playfully. She rested her head on Carmilla’s shoulder. “Hand me the remote, I’m making you watch all of _Buffy_ with me, starting tonight. You’re going to fall in love with Faith. Or you’ll hate her. Actually, you’re pretty similar. You might like Willow.”

Carmilla moved the remote away. Laura lifted her head up, looking at Carmilla expectantly. “Okay, whatever you want to say, say it.”

“I’m not seeing anyone,” Carmilla said carefully. “And I’m not planning to. I know nothing is happening with us right now. I know you and I are friends. But we have three appointments left. Just three. That’s three months and we’re free to...explore this.”

Laura’s eyes softened. “Don’t let me stop you, Carm. In three months you may be sick of me. Don’t wait for me.”

“Are you waiting for me?” Carmilla felt like her heart stopped waiting for Laura to answer. She watched Laura bite her lip, contemplatively. “Cupcake, whatever you want to say, say it,” she echoed.

Laura smiled sadly. “I’m not waiting for anyone. I’d have to have a social life beyond my clinic see anyone.”

That wasn’t the answer Carmilla was hoping for. She sighed and handed Laura the remote.

“But,” Laura continued, picking up Carmilla’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “I’m perfectly content with not waiting for anyone with you here with me.” She brought their joined hands to her lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Carmilla’s hand.

Next to her, Carmilla’s phone vibrated.

“Seriously Carmilla, what did you do to those poor girls?” Laura teased.

Carmilla arched an eyebrow. “I’d be more than happy to demonstrate, if you’d like?” She leaned in. Laura bit her lip and smiled, leaning in as well. Carmilla licked her lips, staring at Laura’s mouth.

Her heart started pounding in her chest. This was happening.

Then Laura laughed.

She let go of Carmilla’s hand, pulled away, but shifted up and kissed Carmilla’s forehead. (Carmilla should’ve known better, Laura’s smile was too...mischievous _._ )

“You’re such a tease,” Carmilla grumbled, as Laura tucked her head back into her shoulder.

“It’s for the best, Carmilla,” Laura said. Her breath hitched a little, so at least Carmilla knew she wasn’t completely unaffected. “Now we can start your education.”

Laura opened Netflix and started up the first episode of Buffy.

* * *

 

Carmilla must’ve fallen asleep halfway through the fifth episode.

She woke up the next morning with a blanket thrown on top of her and Laura’s yellow pillow under her head. On the coffee table sat a note (‘ _Good morning sleepyhead! I was called into the clinic but I didn’t want to wake you. Lock up before you go – spare keys are in the kitchen. I’ll call you later! x_ ’). Next to the note was a thermos. Carmilla opened it and – _oh thank god, she’s perfect_ – there was (still hot) coffee in it.

Her heart gave a little squeeze, its constant reminder that her feelings for Laura ran deep. She allowed herself the moment to revel in the feeling, the amazing feeling of falling in love, something that she had never really felt before, not really. Not this way. She pulled Laura’s pillow to her nose and breathed in.

She was in over her head, she knew that much.

She didn’t let the cynical part of her take over until she got home and went straight for her shower, to wash away the romantic, yearning thoughts. Instead fixated on _Laura_. The way she smelled. Her smile. Her eyes. Her mouth. Her body. Her body pressed against hers.

It was a good shower.

(She felt guilty after, reducing Laura to this object of desire when clearly she was _much more_ than that, but she tried not to dwell on it.)

* * *

 

Laura was strange the next time they saw each other, which was saying something. She insisted they met for coffee instead of hang at each other’s places, so Carmilla made her way to “their” coffee shop.

As usual, Laura was already there when she arrived, sitting on a couch near the back with two cups of coffee in front of her. Carmilla leaned in to kiss Laura’s cheek, which was commonplace for the two, but Laura gently pushed her away, shaking her hand instead. Her eyes shifted around the coffee shop, which was virtually empty, nobody paying attention to them at all.

“You okay, cutie?” She plopped down onto the space next to her.

“Uh, yeah! How was work? Sell lots of books?” Laura asked, stiffly.

“Laur, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Hey, so how about those Canucks last night against...the Flames? They’re both...doing the sports thing, hey? Shoot that puck, score those points! Right?”

Carmilla pressed her hand to Laura’s forehead but Laura didn’t feel hot. “Are you okay? You’re talking about hockey, have you been pod-peopled or something?”

Laura winced and scrunched up her face. “Doing that is not an accurate measure if someone has a raised temperature or is ill, Carmilla.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Then tell me what’s up.”

She sighed and explained that her boss asked her about a few of her patients. With some probing, Carmilla’s name came up.

“Apparently people have been talking about us – not that there’s an _us_. But Dr. Cochrane overheard some of the staff talking...I swear to god, it’s Nurse Klaus. She hates me. And she doesn’t like you after your Santa Klaus comment.” She groaned and threw her head back on the couch.

“What did you tell your boss?”

“I said,” Laura paused, taking a breath, “I said you were interested in med school and that you had questions about becoming a surgeon.”

Carmilla quirked an eyebrow. “So I have to pretend to be interested in becoming a surgeon whenever I see your boss?”

“It was the best I could come up with!”

“You think she suspects something?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Dr. Cochrane seemed to believe me; that’s all I care about. And I don’t want to ask Klaus about it; I don’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

“Of course she believes you; you were telling the truth, Laura. Nothing is going on between us.”

Laura laughed dryly. “You can’t say that when you stared at my chest the minute you saw me.”

“Laura, I’m only human. Sometimes you look adorable, I want to pinch your cheeks and buy you puppies. Other times you look incredibly sexy and I want to throw you over the table and have my way with you –“

“Ah! No! No. No no no, you cannot talk like that Carmilla,” Laura said, covering her ears.

Carmilla pulled Laura’s hands away. “Laura, honestly. You’re perfect. I respect the fact that we can only be friends right now – but I can’t help it that you somehow look as sexy in your white coat as you do wearing your dorky _Doctor Who_ pajamas.”

Laura blushed.

“I’m going to faint one of these days, my blood keeps rushing to my face whenever you’re around.”

“It’s payback for when you wore those shorts, cupcake,” Carmilla said, grabbing her coffee and leaning back in the seat. Laura leaned head on her shoulder.

“I still hate being your friend, Carmilla.”

“Same. Now explain to me why you thought discussing hockey would be a good way to distract me from your weird mood earlier?”

“Shut up.”

* * *

 

Their relationship was filled with close calls it seemed. They seemed to gravitate towards each other, like magnets.

Like right now.

Carmilla couldn’t even tell you how they got into this situation. Somehow the topic of Carmilla’s previous dance experience came up (if you could call it that – her mother put her in Waltz classes with her brother when they were teenagers). Laura requested – it was more like a demand – to have a demonstration. So naturally, Carmilla complied (she had a hard time saying ‘no’ to Laura).

She had just pulled Laura back in from a turn. They were close – they could be closer, Carmilla was well aware of all the things in the way of their closeness – but it was still sensory overload.

They were chest to chest. Their hips were pressed together. Laura hands were on her shoulders. Carmilla’s hands were on her waist.

Friends didn’t stand this closely. Ever.

“I...I can’t wait to finally kiss you,” Laura whispered, almost like it was just to herself, her gaze darting from Carmilla’s lips back to her eyes. She brought her arms up to her shoulders, bringing her hands around the back of Carmilla’s neck.

All she had to do was lean in.

Carmilla licked her lips. “You should just do it...”

“Carm...”

“Cupcake, I’m taking your lead. Whatever you want to do, I’ll do. I’m more than happy doing this. I get to hold your hand. I get to hold you. But I _really_ wish I could kiss you. I wish I could do more than kiss you, if I’m being honest here...”

Laura pulled away, letting out a shaky breath.

“Three more appointments,” she said, sitting on the far end of the couch.

“What if I just stopped going? I’m doing okay. My leg is fine. I don’t need to see LaF anymore, do I?”

Laura scoffed. “Carmilla, your leg isn’t 100%. The possibility of reinjuring yourself is high, especially with how you haven’t regained full strength. So it’s of my professional opinion that you should continue your medical care. You can’t stop coming. And I’m telling LaF that you haven’t been doing the exercises they’ve told you to do.”

“Fine, cupcake. Fine. Way to be a mood killer,” Carmilla joked. She plopped down next to her on the couch.

Laura nudged her. “My job is to be the bucket of ice water in this friendship.”

“And what’s my job?”

“You’re like fire. You’re either going to melt me or I’m going to put you out.”

* * *

 

Sometimes Carmilla didn’t get it.

They were so compatible. She had never been this attached to anyone before. Past relationships weren’t as connected as she was to Laura.

But Laura was steadfast in her convictions, which Carmilla could understand on an intellectual level.

Laura didn’t want to jeopardize her career.

The College of Physicians and Surgeons were getting strict about these ‘indiscretions,’ as evidenced by lengthy section in the newsletters she’d flipped through (the College published the names of doctors who had been suspended or had their licenses revoked due to these ‘infractions’. Carmilla didn’t want to see Laura’s name on these lists).

_(But Carmilla could keep it a secret. No one would have to know. And she’s a consenting adult. Laura’s not taking advantage of her.)_

She knew there was more to it – something was stopping Laura from exploring anything further than what she had already. Carmilla was afraid to ask.

Part of her was afraid that Laura was only interested in her physically, and once she got her out of her system, her interest would wane. It’s not like she had a lot to offer.

(Laura was a doctor. Carmilla had been a student for her entire adult life; she was 25 years old with no career, getting another useless degree, with no future, really.)

Another part of her was afraid this was all in her head still. She was infatuated and clearly physically attracted, as evidenced by the increase in happy endings she’d been giving herself lately. But she had nothing to compare this to. Was she actually falling for her or was she just _really_ horny?

(She knew this thought was bullshit. But focusing on her physical attraction to someone was less terrifying than focusing on the swell of affection growing in her chest for the woman.)

Part of her was afraid that after three months, nothing would happen. Laura wouldn’t be interested anymore.

(This part of her urged her, every time she was with her, to just _do something_.)

* * *

 

Today’s session with LaFontaine went well; they didn’t let Carmilla get away with shit and despite the fact that Laura told LaFontaine that she wasn’t doing her exercises, she was still healing well. Today they even got her to stand and walk (albeit a short distance) without her cast boot. 

Her appointments this month got mixed up, so instead of having Laura’s appointment before seeing LaFontaine, it was the other way around.

“Miss Karnstein,” Laura greeted, closing the door behind her, smiling brightly. “ _Carmilla_. How have you been?” she asked coyly.

“You mean since we hung out last night?” Carmilla asked, with a smirk. “Want to see something LaF and I have been working on?”

“Sure.” Laura stepped forward but Carmilla held her hands out, stopping her from coming closer.

“Watch.”

Carmilla removed her cast boot and slowly, carefully, slipped off the examination table. She stood proudly on the ground, distributing her weight as evenly as she could without hurting herself. She walked up to Laura and gestured at her leg.

“I’ll be drunkenly climbing onto roofs again soon,” Carmilla joked. She walked backwards again and stopped against the examination table, to show off a little (and to have something to lean against, just in case).

“That’s awesome, Carm,” Laura gushed, putting her file down on the counter.

“Well, LaF has been pretty good with helping me regain my strength. And you’ll be happy to hear they gave me shit for not doing the exercises, but I’m still doing well despite that. It’s probably because I have an excellent doctor.”

She spoke too soon.

Even leaning against the table, Carmilla buckled under her own weight – she underestimated how overworked she was from her session with LaFontaine. Fortunately, Laura was there quickly to catch her by her waist.

For a moment, all Carmilla could see were the brown of Laura’s eyes. She hadn’t noticed the flecks of amber in them before. She could drown in them. She found herself leaning forward, feeling Laura’s breath against her lips. It was overwhelming – that someone could be this _beautiful_ , sweetness radiating at Carmilla, giving her _no choice_ but to fall for her the way she was.

Then suddenly they were kissing. She didn’t know who leaned in first, but it didn’t matter, as Laura gasped into her mouth before slipping her tongue in, deepening the kiss and making Carmilla see stars. They clutched at each other. It was like going from zero to a hundred in a second.

If she was fire, then Laura’s ice was finally melting. She moaned into Carmilla’s mouth, the noise shooting straight down to Carmilla’s center. Carmilla tugged at Laura’s white coat, which fell to the floor.

Laura let go briefly – Carmilla let out a whine, protesting immediately, but stopped when Laura gently lifted her up onto the examination bed. Laura settled between Carmilla’s legs before reaching up with both hands and pulling Carmilla down to her mouth.

She poured herself into the kiss: every thought, every lingering gaze, and every flirtation from the last few months mounting to this moment. Carmilla moaned when Laura pulled back and bit her bottom lip before trailing her lips down to Carmilla’s neck. Laura took advantage of the angle and started sucking on Carmilla’s pulse point.

“Fuck,” Carmilla said, before gently tugging on the back of Laura’s head, pulling her lips back to hers.

She felt like she was drowning and like breathing Laura in was her only way to survive.

Laura kept one hand on the back of Carmilla’s head as Carmilla felt her other hand lightly slide from her neck, to her shoulder, to her breast, to her hip. She rested her hand over the zipper on Carmilla’s pants. Carmilla whispered, “ _please_ ” into Laura’s mouth before feeling her button pop open.

Then something vibrated in Laura’s pocket. Despite Carmilla’s hold, Laura begrudgingly pulled away and pulled out her pager.

“ _Crap,”_ Laura whined. “I have to go.”

Despite that, Laura leaned up for another kiss. Carmilla grasped the back of her head, pulling her closer, willing her to stay. Her other hand found Laura’s and guided her back to her lap. Laura took the initiative and pulled her zipper down. Carmilla moaned into their kiss.

Laura slid her fingers past her underwear (Carmilla was scared she’d come embarrassingly quickly, she was already worked up) when her pager vibrated again. Laura pulled her hand away but pressed their foreheads together, breathing heavily. “Ugh, fuck, Carmilla, I have to go,” she said with a whimper. She reread the page. ‘There’s been an emergency, I need to get to the front desk.”

Carmilla sighed, her heart pounding, and let go. She zipped up her jeans.

“ _Fine_. But you’ll have to make it up to me somehow, _Dr. Hollis_.”

Referring to Laura as ‘doctor’ had a negative effect on the woman. She pulled away, like Carmilla actually was on fire.

“ _No_. Oh, god. No, Carmilla.”

“Baby, it’s okay...”

“This is against a thousand rules. You can’t do this to me, you can’t be ridiculously sexy, and amazing at kissing, and be my patient.”

“I’m really amazing at _other stuff_ too,” Carmilla said coyly. Laura’s expression went from panicked to _terrified_ ; her eyes widened and Carmilla’s stomach dropped.

“Carmilla, _no._ This was a mistake. I can’t…I’m your doctor. And I have to go. Please don’t tell anyone. _Please_.”

Carmilla was shocked by her urgency. She stammered, “I-I…I won’t. I promise.”

Laura picked her white coat up off the floor and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This'll be updated next week (Sunday).  
> Any Dr. AU questions can be directed to my dog, [Henry](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/tagged/henry). I also have a [Dr. AU](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/tagged/carmilla-dr.-au) tag.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla has an epiphany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks to platypiandi.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Wait, what?”

It had been a week. Carmilla thought time away from Laura would lessen her feelings, but they only seemed to amplify them. She had _never_ been like this before with another woman. Laura had reduced her to some lovesick idiot. She had gotten used to having Laura in her life. And now that she knew what it was like to finally kiss her and feel her body against hers, she knew she was in over her head. She was selfish; she wanted more. Fuck the consequences.

That said, she was pissed. Her ego was bruised. There were only so many times she could take being rejected by one person. She felt like she was being toyed with, regardless of how Laura actually felt. This wasn’t something Carmilla ever dealt with and she was dealing with it poorly.

So she phoned Danny for advice on what to do. Loyal, trustworthy Danny. Who just called her an asshole. Maybe she told her side of story wrong. So she checked.

“No, you’re an asshole, Carmilla,” Danny repeated.

Carmilla almost hung up. “Did I stutter? We _kissed_ – we almost fucked – then she kicked me out.”

“She’s a _doctor_. She could _lose her job_. And all you’ve done is put her in this totally fucked up situation because you couldn’t keep your pants on for three more freaking months. Of course she threw your horny ass out.”

Well when you put it that way. Still. Carmilla didn’t like her tone.

“Danny, talking to you is torture, why do I subject myself to this?”

“Because I’m smarter than you and you know I’m right.”

Fair enough.

“Okay, Jolly Ginger Giant, what do I do?”

“Well, you wouldn’t be putting yourself through this if you didn’t like her on a deeper level, right? But hell, you don’t ever talk about her like she has _another_ level _._ Literally all I know about her is that she’s hot and that she wants to keep her job and career, which you seem hell bent on ruining for her.” Danny scoffed, then affected Carmilla’s voice, “Ugh, girls who have morals are the _worst_.”

Carmilla glared, wishing Danny wasn’t on the other side of the phone so she could smack her in person.

“That’s not true.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right, I know she looks good in tank tops.”

Carmilla thought back at all her conversations with Danny about Laura. She thought about any time she’d really talked about the woman at all...

Well fuck. She was right.

“Fuck.”

She couldn’t even think of a reason why Laura would be interested in her. She hasn’t been anything but...well, gross. Overt. She’d ignored every request Laura had to be just ‘friends’. She pushed her.

Carmilla felt sick.

Danny must’ve read Carmilla’s silence; her tone softened. “So, Carmilla, if you’re actually interested in her, you have to figure out a way to make this work.”

Carmilla groaned, throwing herself onto her bed. “Of course I’m interested in her. She’s smart, and nice to people, and kind of a huge dork, but she challenges me and puts up with my shit.”

“Ah, so she _does_ have a personality,” Danny said. “Look, I know you mean well and I’m sure she knows you mean well, but you suck at showing it. But I wouldn’t be your friend if you weren’t awesome and she probably wouldn’t have kept you around if all you did was hit on her.”

“So what do I do?”

“I’d back off, but knowing you, you won’t.”

Carmilla sighed. “No, probably not. I don’t know.”

“Well, figure it out. I like you like this though, whiney and lovesick. It affirms that I’m cooler than you.”

* * *

 

Carmilla lay back on her couch and looked out her window. Even though it was night and they weren’t turned on, she could see the dangling Christmas lights taunt her. If she were into blaming inanimate objects for her problems, those damn lights would be taking the fault.

A few months ago she was _Carmilla fucking Karnstein_. She did what she wanted, didn’t really care too much about other people’s feelings or opinions. Certainly didn’t ever _pine_ for anyone.

Laura changed that for her, with her kindness and her intelligence and _adorableness_. Carmilla had never met anyone who was so genuine, so wholly unimpressed with all of Carmilla’s pretension, yet so wholly interested in who she was under all her airs.  

And now she was here. A broken leg. A bruised ego. A little sexually frustrated. A little heartbroken.

Pathetic, really.

She wondered what Laura thought. Not for a lack of trying on Carmilla’s part, but she hadn’t heard from her in a week. Every text went ignored, every call went to voicemail.

Carmilla knew this much: she needed to apologize to her, to make it up to Laura for 1. Treating her like she was just someone that needed to be devoured and consumed, and 2. Her role in what culminated at the clinic last week.

But Carmilla wasn’t good with words or expressing herself. (Especially considering how embarrassed she was. And she wasn’t even sure Laura would talk to her after all the shit she’d put her through...)

Carmilla had never really done the big romantic, grandiose gesture for anyone, but fuck, she wanted to try for Laura. They were great together in ways she’d never thought she’d ever be with anyone. She just needed to talk to her. _Talk_. She needed to convince Laura that she meant well, that she was sorry, and that she was ready to do what she had to, to make this work.

The lights from a car driving past her house reflected off the Christmas lights, catching her eye.

 _That was it._ That was her stupid, romantic gesture. A gift.

She took off her cast boot and put on her shoes (she had to dig up her other shoe from the closet) and threw on a coat. She grabbed what she needed from her shed, and dragged it to the front of her house. It dark out, and her leg felt unsteady, but she was at least sober this time.

She climbed up her ladder and started pulling down the Christmas lights.

It was never too late to take these down.

* * *

 

So, her leg hurt. It hurt badly. It was back in its cast, but it was probably not her best idea to do take her Christmas lights down without someone there to make she she’d be safe. But she did it, with just _some_ difficulty.

And now she walked to Laura’s apartment (it wasn’t _too_ far, it was just cold), forcing her leg to work, to not buckle on her. She tightened her grip on her backpack and made her way down the path to the building doors. When she reached the entrance, she typed out a text to Laura.

_‘I’m outside your building. Open up.’_

She waited a few minutes, lighting up a cigarette to pass the time (she didn’t really smoke much, but she felt the need to tonight). Then her phone rang _._

“Hey, Laura. Wanna let me up?

Laura’s voice sounded annoyed. “Carmilla, are you crazy, it’s 10 pm?! How did you get here?”

“I walked.”

“Is your leg okay?”

She took a drag from her cigarette. “It will be when you let me up so I can sit down.”

“Carmilla, I’ve been avoiding you for a reason.”

This was her in. “But I have something for you.”

She could hear the gears in Laura’s head turn. Laura _loved_ gifts.

“Ugh, hang on, Carmilla.”

The door buzzed; Carmilla grinned to herself. She knew her so well.

She put out her cigarette and ambled in. She went to the elevator, took a deep breath, and pressed the button for Laura’s floor.

Getting off, she counted her steps to Laura’s door – thirty-nine – to distract her from the potentially _mortifying_ conversation that was about to occur. She really sucked at sharing her feelings. But things had to be said, and she had to do it.

She turned the corner down the hall, and there Laura stood. She was leaned against her doorframe, wearing her pajamas, her arms crossed. She looked annoyed.

“What do you want?” Yeah, she was annoyed.

“Well, that’s kind of a mean way to greet somebody, especially considering you’ve ignored me for the last week,” Carmilla joked. Laura wasn’t humoured.

“Carmilla, I need space.”

“Which I’ve given you. But now I have talk to you. And like I said, I have a gift.” Carmilla pushed past – catching Laura’s exasperated headshake – and made her way inside.

“You smell like an ashtray.”

“Smoking helps me relax when I’m stressed.”

“That’s a pervasive myth, Carmilla, it’s actually counter-productive to smoke to alleviate stress. Now sit down, you’re limping. Let me check your leg.”

“You’re _always_ such a doctor,” Carmilla said, sitting next to the doctor on her couch.

“Well, yeah. That’s the plan,” Laura said, a little bite behind the words. “Remove your cast boot and roll up your pant leg, I want to examine your leg.”

“Seriously?” She did as the doctor asked anyway.

“Well, _yeah_. Leg up,” she answered, patting her lap.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Laura stiffened. “Carmilla, it’s your leg. I think I’ll be able to control myself. Which is hilarious considering that this is my home, with no way we’d be interrupted. The _one time_ we do anything it happens at my work, the absolute last place it should happen.”

Carmilla frowned. “Laura...”

“Whatever. Just let me see your leg,” Laura said impatiently. “If it’s the last thing I do as a doctor, I’m going to make sure I’m a good healthcare provider to you.”

Carmilla lifted her leg up and Laura examined her, much in the same way she would examine her at the clinic. Her leg did hurt quite a bit.

“So, how’s it been?” Carmilla asked dryly, as Laura continued her attention.

“Carmilla, you really didn’t just walk here from god knows where at ten at night to ask how I’ve been, have you?”  One (firm) press along her scar line made Carmilla flinch. Laura noticed and immediately started gently massaging around the pain, making her feel better.

(Carmilla realized that this was the first time Laura had been in her presence where she hadn’t made a flirtatious, forward comment towards the woman.

She was _such_ an asshole. Laura could do better. She deserved better, someone good like Danny.

Ugh, no. Absolutely not. The thought of it made her gag a little.)

Carmilla scratched the back of her head. She sighed. “Okay. Look. I know I’m not so good with the feelings thing, but...I’m sorry for what happened. Last time we saw each other.” She cringed. Words were hard.

Laura’s hands stilled. “I’m sorry, too.“

Carmilla pulled away and shifted to the other end of the couch, strapping her cast back on. “No, don’t. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Carmilla, no – “

“No, Laura, I...I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about your career or your life,” Carmilla said. “So, like I said: I brought you a gift. Consider it a peace offering. A _friendship_ offering.”

Carmilla grabbed her backpack off the floor and pulled out her poorly bundled Christmas lights.

Laura laughed. “ _Carm_ ,” she said, her eyes lighting up, grabbing the bundle. “What am I going to do with these?”

“I don’t know. But I want you to have them – they’re kind of the reason I met you. It’s symbolic; I’m going to back off...this is kind of stupid, isn’t it?”

“This isn’t stupid at all, Carmilla,” Laura said, tearing up. “It’s sweet. You’re sweet.”

Carmilla shrugged.

She put the lights on her coffee table. “Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Close them. Do it. I’m your doctor; listen to me.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re really demanding?” Carmilla closed her eyes anyway.

She heard Laura sigh. The space next to her on the couch shifted. Then she felt pressure against her lips, a nose against her own, a sigh mix with her sigh. The kiss was soft and gentle and it made Carmilla feel as light as she felt heavy. She wanted this forever.

Laura gently brushed her cheek with the back of her hand then pulled away. Carmilla opened her eyes – Laura had already put distance between the two, perched on the other side of the couch.

“That...is the last time I will kiss you until you stop being my patient, okay? But I know talking about this stuff is hard for you and you’re being so sweet right now. I couldn’t _not_ kiss you after that.”

Carmilla closed her eyes for a beat to find the nerve to continue. Laura’s eyes were warm and giving when she opened them. She found the strength in Laura.

“Okay, I gotta say this before I realize I’m being an idiot and clam up. Bear with me, because...this is really uncomfortable for me,” Carmilla said. “But since I can’t _show_ you how much I care about you, I have to tell you.”

Laura’s eyebrows furrowed, confused.

Carmilla rattled off the list she made in her head: “You’re eager and well-meaning. People like you. You’re a dork and you know way too much about really ridiculous things, like, who the fuck cares about Doctor Who? You do, apparently. You eat cookies like they’ll expire as soon as the package opens. You’re ridiculous and headstrong. You’ve committed your life to helping people and doing the right thing.” Carmilla blushed.

“Carmilla – as much as I enjoy you complimenting me and pointing out the obvious, but amazing, qualities I have, what are you doing?”

Carmilla grimaced. “I wanted to tell you what I like about you so you don’t think that I’m just here to have sex with you or whatever. I’m interested in _you_. And I’m sorry I don’t show that very well.”

Laura’s eyes softened. “What makes you think you don’t show it well?”

“All I’ve done is flirt with you when you’ve asked me not to. I haven’t respected your job or your wishes and you deserve better. That’s why you’ve been ignoring me, isn’t it?”

Laura shook her head, exasperated. “Carmilla, I’ve been ignoring you because I feel like an idiot. _I’m_ embarrassed.”

It was Carmilla’s turn to be confused. “Uh, over what?”

“Carmilla, I kissed you!” Laura said, standing and pacing. “And I...I would’ve had sex with you at my work if I wasn’t paged. I was stupid and reckless and it shouldn’t have happened.” She stopped, her hands on her hips. “Don’t blame yourself or whatever for what happened. If anything, I kissed you first. I...set the pace.”

Then Laura scrunched up her face, upset. She narrowed her eyes. “And I’m not some naïve girl who’s virtue you’re supposed to protect, okay? I’m as much part of this as you are. I don’t ‘deserve’ better or worse. Don’t put me on a pedestal.”

“...Okay.” Carmilla stared at her hands.

“And I’m a little offended that you think I’d be here with you if you were just a flirtatious jerk. Which you totally are, but that’s just part of who you are. But you’re so much more than that and I clearly haven’t been a good enough friend if that’s what you think of yourself.”

Carmilla bit her lip to stop herself from frowning. “Then why? What’s in it for you? I don’t have a real job, I’ve been a student for my entire adult life, I don’t even own a car. I know I’m pretty, but I’m not _that_ pretty.”

Laura’s eyes softened. She sat next to Carmilla and gently placed her hands over hers, drawing her attention.

“You know, when you first came into the hospital, you were so out of it, so Will had to tell us what happened. He lied and said that you fell off your roof because you went outside to look at the stars; you wanted to be closer to them. I thought that was _incredibly_ pretentious.”

Carmilla scoffed. “Ugh, Will is a terrible liar.”

“When you admitted that you were trying to take your Christmas lights down, I figured you were a reckless drunk. _Then_ when you told me you were taking them down because you were embarrassed that you put them up in the first place, because you put them up for Will...well, I realized that there was a lot more to you than you let on. And I totally misjudged you.”

“I think I preferred you thinking I was pretentious and reckless...”

Laura grinned. “I _know_ you’re pretentious and reckless,” she teased. “But I also know that you’re smart and passionate. You’re exceeding the minimum standard of education because you _like_ your major; you’re not doing it for a job. You’ve made it your life’s work to know everything about Camus. And you quote Harry Potter and are embarrassed by it, which I think is adorable.”

“If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.”

“ _Please_ , Carmilla. You don’t scare me,” Laura said, rolling her eyes. “See – you pretend that you’re all cool and unaffected, but you care about people. You’re sweet. You put up Christmas lights for your brother. When I told you LaF was non-binary, you didn’t bat an eye. And you treat me well. You make me laugh. You’re _really_ complimentary, to the point where I think you need to get your eyes checked. And you sat and watch several hours of Buffy with me ‘cause I asked you to.”

She laughed. “Well, to be fair, Sarah Michelle Gellar is hot...”

“Shush, Carmilla.” Laura said, placing her finger on Carmilla’s lips. “Look, talking to you comes easily to me. I don’t usually talk about my mom or tell people why I became a doctor, but I told you because there’s something about you...” She let her finger drift off, falling back into Carmilla’s hands. “So...you should _know_ how I feel about you, Carmilla. There’s lots in it for me when it come to you. And yeah, it doesn’t hurt that you’re incredibly beautiful.”

The heat rose to Carmilla’s face; she smiled, a little self-conscious but touched.

“I’m sorry I ignored you this week. What happened was overwhelming and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s only made me more paranoid at work. I’m stressed out – Dr. Cochrane wants to meet with me next week and I have no idea why. It’s probably nothing, but I’m worried.”

“I’m sorry, Laura.” Carmilla’s guilt took hold of her.

Laura shrugged. “Me too. But I don’t want you to think I regret _you_.”

Carmilla pulled her hands away and ran her fingers through her hair. They sat quietly, both lost in their own thoughts.

“So what now?” Laura asked.

She sighed. Now the hard part. She had one idea, one thing that could possibly make this better for them both – well, make this situation less shitty for Laura. She really didn’t want it to come to this, but she couldn’t think of any other way.

“Let’s take a break. I’ll see you at my last two appointments, but I meant what I said. I want to back off. I want to revisit this in two months, if you’re still interested, but I’ll...back off.”

“Are you sure?” Laura asked, uncertainly.

“Yeah. Distance will be good for us, I think?”

Laura looked crestfallen. “But what if you’re not interested in two months?”

“Cupcake, really?” Carmilla was a little annoyed. “I don’t do _this_ with anyone. I don’t try, _ever_. I know I’ll be interested in two months because I know I’ll be interested in a year. I know I’ll be interested for...for a long time,” she said, surprising herself with her candor. She felt her face flush, embarrassment colouring her features.

Laura’s expression changed too. She looked at her the way she _wanted_ to be looked at. Like she was loved.

“Carmilla...” Laura stopped herself, then tried again. ”You _know_. Right? You _know_?”

She knew. She hoped she knew.

Carmilla leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “And on that note – I’m going to go.” Carmilla stood up, grabbing her backpack.

“How are you getting back?”

“I’ll walk.” Laura was about to protest when Carmilla stopped her. “I’ll be fine. Whatever you did to my leg helped. It feels much better. I feel better.”

Laura walked her out, holding her hand the entire way. She didn’t seem to care that she was wearing her pajamas. She followed her down the hall, onto the elevator, to the building entrance. She kissed her goodbye – again, on her cheek, close to the corner of her lips.

Halfway down the block, Carmilla looked back – Laura stood at the doors, watching Carmilla walk away.

The feel of Laura’s kiss lingered on Carmilla’s cheek on the walk home. She really did feel better. She didn’t feel _great_ , but she felt better.

Two months. She could do two more months.

* * *

 

The next few weeks passed with a blur. Carmilla threw herself into school – she had never been more productive with her work without distractions (including her ‘study buddies’). Before she knew it, she found herself back at the clinic, waiting for Laura.

When the doctor came into the examination room, she gave Carmilla a distracted ‘Hello’ in greeting. She started running through her usual line of questioning without even a glance at Carmilla.

“Cupcake...” Carmilla tried.

Laura didn’t look up, just continued to flip through her file, not really lingering on any page, so Carmilla knew she wasn’t reading it.

“ _Laura.”_

Laura whipped her head up, almost looking startled.

“Yeah?”

“ _Hey_.” Carmilla half-smiled at Laura, who sighed and smiled back.

Laura’s shoulders dropped a little, standing less stiffly. “Hey, Carm.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been busy with work...a lot has been going on,” Laura’s shoulders sagged. She blew out some air. It was cute and Carmilla beamed at her. “It’s been a tough few weeks.”

Carmilla rubbed her shoulder. “Everything okay? Did your meeting with Dr. Cochrane go well?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. It went _really_ well. Everything’s fine, actually,” Laura said, a tight smile. She placed her hand on Carmilla’s, petting the back of her hand with her thumb. “How have you been?”

“Good. It’s surprising how much work you can get done on your thesis when I have nothing to do. Plus I’ve pissed off a ton of ex...study buddies. So I’m basically holed up in my place.”

Laura laughed.

“So, it’s our second last appointment...”

“It is.”

Carmilla took Laura’s hand off her own and laced their fingers. “I’ve...missed you.”

Laura nodded. “I’ve missed you too, Carm. I understand the whole ‘backing off’ thing that you’ve been doing but I’ve missed talking to you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Actually, I wanted to share some news...”

“Yeah?” Carmilla feels herself leaning forward.

“But I’m having a hard time focusing on it right now...” Laura reached up to tuck Carmilla’s hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek. By reflex, Carmilla leaned into Laura’s touch. “I’ve _really_ missed you, Carm.”

The door swung open. The two recoiled from one another, in shock. Laura’s boss Dr. Cochrane stood at the door with an unreadable expression on her face.

It definitely looked worse than it was, with Laura jumping away from Carmilla. They were standing quite close, but not in an incriminating way. Really, nothing was happening.

The doctor looked between the two women, evaluating them. She pursed her lips, then spoke. “Miss Karnstein. I need to speak to Dr. Hollis. You can wait for your appointment with LaFontaine in the waiting room. Follow me, Dr. Hollis?”

Laura nodded, trying to look like she wasn’t on the verge of panicking. Carmilla followed the two out of the room, giving Laura a worried look before turning for the waiting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr. AU questions? [I'm here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/tagged/carmilla-dr.-au).


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla and Laura deal with what happened with Dr. Cochrane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks to platypiandi.

Carmilla waited. She stood outside Laura’s apartment building. Laura wasn’t answering her texts; Carmilla had no idea what to expect. She couldn’t stand being shut out, not with this uncertainty, not without knowing if she screwed everything up for her career. For her life. For their relationship. (That list wasn’t in order of importance. Probably not.)

So she waited. She got off work, she went straight to Laura’s apartment, and sat on a bench nearby, waiting for Laura’s car in the parking lot, for any sign of Laura.

She just needed to know.

When she finally did see Laura pull up, the usual butterflies didn’t come.

Dread. Instead Carmilla felt dread.

The clearer Laura’s face came into view, the more terrible Carmilla felt. Dried tear stains down her cheeks. Her make-up looked like it had been hastily washed away. Tired. Defeated.

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be _here_ ,” Laura asked when she got out of her car. She nervously looked around and grabbed Carmilla’s wrist, bringing her inside the building. She let go as soon as they were inside, like touching Carmilla burned her.

“What happened?”

“Not here, Carmilla. Ugh, you shouldn’t have come here.” Laura nervously looked outside.

“But –“

“Just stop talking. Come up with me.”

She turned straight for the elevators, not waiting for Carmilla as she went up. Carmilla rushed in. The elevator doors closed and the two stood in silence.

The closer they got to Laura’s apartment, the more she looked like she was on the verge of crying.

Finally getting to her place, Carmilla tried to collect her thoughts as Laura closed the door behind her. She didn’t know what to say. She had a million questions, but Laura didn’t look like she was in the state to talk. She was pretty sure Laura was going to have breakdown.

Carmilla second guessed coming and was about to offer to leave, when Laura grabbed her face and kissed her. It was desperate and sloppy; teeth and tongue and pressure. Laura’s hands went immediately for Carmilla’s coat, sliding it off her shoulders, then made quick work of the buttons on her shirt.

If she could be doused with ice water and set on fire, this was it. Physically, it felt like it always did when they kissed – it made Carmilla’s heart race the same way, it made her feel _alive_. Laura’s lips fit perfectly against her own.

Laura cupped her breasts through her bra, which pulled a strangled moan out of her. The sound of Laura’s own whimper shot straight to her centre.

But it didn’t _feel_ right. It just felt wrong.

That’s when she realized she could tears against her face. She pulled away immediately, touching her cheeks. Laura was crying.

“Sweetheart, _stop_.”

“No, Carmilla,” Laura said, pulling Carmilla towards her by the hips. “This is you’ve wanted for months, right?” She choked back a sob then leaned forward, trying to recapture Carmilla’s lips. Carmilla pulled out of her grasp.

“Laura, no, not like this,” she moved into the living room, putting the couch between them. She buttoned up her shirt. “You’re upset.”

“I’m going to lose my fucking job anyway, so you might as well make this worth my time, Carmilla. Right? That’s all I’m good for, right? That’s all _you’re_ good for?”

Carmilla fought her instinct to feel Laura’s harshness. She stifled the insecurity that bloomed in her. Laura was out to hurt, but she tried not to let her do any damage. Laura was upset. More than she’d ever seen her. And she needed Carmilla to be strong.

“Laura, _stop_. You know that you’re more than that to me. Tell me what happened today.”

Laura choked back her sob then glared.

“She knows, Carmilla. She _knows_!”

 _Fuck_.

Carmilla swayed in place, feeling her legs buckle a little. She sat on the coffee table. The Christmas lights were on the shelf next to her, mocking her.

“But...we haven’t done anything,” she said, her voice suddenly losing itself. “We’ve been so careful. We’ve barely done _anything_.”

Laura took a deep breath, seemingly trying to collect herself. She leaned forward, bracing her hands on the back of the couch, still keeping the distance between them.

“People gossip, Carmilla,” she said, condescension in her tone. “Other people at the clinic, not just Nurse Klaus, have been talking about us. Apparently someone saw me leave your house. Someone else saw us have coffee. And someone else saw you leave my place a couple weeks ago. You shouldn’t have fucking come here, Carmilla.”

“That...doesn’t prove anything, Laura.” Carmilla didn’t believe herself; it was pretty bad.

Laura ignored her. “Dr. Cochrane said it was an accident – she ‘accidentally’ walked in on our appointment. But I _know_ she did it on purpose. She probably wanted to see for herself. I saw her looking at my schedule earlier this week....”

“Laura, we weren’t doing anything,” she repeated.

“I _know_ that! I told her we’re just friends. She _knows_ that she can’t prove it. She said she won’t report me to the College, but she’s withdrawing her reference for a residency I’ve applied for. I was in the final block of interviewees. I was _positive_ I was going to get it. I was _thisclose_ to getting out of there and finally being a surgeon. I was _so_ close, Carmilla!”

Laura finally let the sob that she was holding back escape. She hunched over, resting her forearms on the couch, her head in her hands.

Carmilla had never felt more hopeless and guilty. She’d barely done anything with Laura but it had been too much.

(She’d done too much. A little was too much. She knew this all along but didn’t care. She fucked up. Fuck. She always fucked up.)

But the thought of losing Laura in more ways than one gutted her the most.

“You’ve applied for a residency? Where are you going?”

Laura picked her head off her hands and glared. “Seriously, Carmilla?”

Carmilla deflated, wanting to press Laura but she knew it would just piss her off more. “Fine. What else did she say?”

“She said I’m a great doctor, a great surgeon, but she doesn’t trust my judgment. Fuck. _Fuck_ ,” Laura said, through gritted teeth. “Fuck.” She squeezed her eyes shut, stopping tears from falling. “I’ve fucked up.”

“Laura, it’ll be fine...” Carmilla didn’t quite believe it herself. “Look, we didn’t do anything. You said Dr. Cochrane won’t report you. I won’t say anything. We have _one more_ appointment left; this is almost over anyway. It’s okay!”

“It’s not okay! I have zero self-control around you. This _cannot_ happen again. I can’t do this. It’s unethical. Eight years of my life for nothing...” Laura stood up and walked around the couch, sitting in front of Carmilla.

“Laura, just relax,” Carmilla said, placing her hands on Laura’s shoulders, squeezing. Laura flinched away.

“ _Relax_? Carmilla, I could lose my license. I could lose everything. I can’t jeopardize my _career_ , not for this.” Laura looked Carmilla in the eyes; Carmilla felt herself wither as the words left her mouth. “Not for _you_.”

It was like a switch flipped. _‘Not for this. Not for_ you _.’_ The phrase repeated itself in Carmilla’s head, mocking her. She felt like she was slapped. This was exactly it. She wasn’t good enough for her. The only person who she could ever love didn’t think she was worth it.

(Laura deserved _better_. She deserved more than this. Than her.)

Carmilla clenched her fists, her jaw, closed her eyes. Anything to stop herself from crying too. She willed herself to look at Laura and almost lost it when she realized Laura didn’t even notice how upset she made her.

She didn’t even care.

Laura didn’t even care about her.

“I can’t do this right now, Carmilla. I don’t know who I am when I’m around you, I stop thinking and I make terrible decisions, like what we did last month. Like _everything_ we’ve done, really...”

Well at least she wasn’t hiding it anymore.

“So I was a mistake?” Carmilla’s bottom lip quivered and she cursed it for giving her feelings away. She blinked back tears that were threatening to spill. Laura’s eyes filled with regret at Carmilla’s words.

“Carmilla...“

“ _Stop_. I get it.” If Carmilla was good at something, it was deflecting and hurting people who hurt her. “Whatever. Here I was thinking I was doing you a favor. I mean, clearly you need a good fuck, with that stick so far up your ass. This ‘friends’ bullshit was just that, right?”

Laura’s face turned red and her eyes narrowed, staring Carmilla down.

“I _know_ you don’t mean it. I know you, Carmilla. Don’t try to hurt me to protect your own fucking feelings.”

Carmilla leered, hating that Laura read her so easily. “ _Fine_. But what about you? All you’ve been doing is screwing me around. Just when I think that we’re making progress, _this_ happens. You’re _really_ good at making me feel like a fucking mistake.” She could hide the desperation in her tone and she was too exhausted to care.

“Carmilla, you have _no idea_ what I’ve been going through,” Laura retorted bitterly.

“Seriously? You’re putting it all on me? Guess what? _You kissed me._ Every time we’ve kissed, it’s been _you!_ Laura, you’ve strung me around for months _._ You can’t just blame me for everything.”

“But unlike you, I have _everything_ to lose!” Laura cried.

The words washed over Carmilla. That was it. She had to leave. She stood up and shook off Laura’s hand as she tried to grab her.

“So being with me, having me in your life, that’s nothing to you then?” she asked, walking towards the door. Her voice cracked through the words; she felt herself shrink and wither.

“Carmilla, no, that’s not what I’m saying...”

At least Laura sounded sad. Or something. Carmilla couldn’t really tell anymore; she didn’t really know Laura as well as she thought she did.

Carmilla steeled herself, feeling her walls go back up, and slowly turned to face Laura. She was done. She didn’t need to listen to this; she was basically being broken up with before they were even together. This was bullshit and the longer she stayed with her, the more she felt her indignation turn to heartbreak and she was _not_ going to let Laura see that.

“Look, this has been a huge waste of time, hasn’t it?”

It wasn’t really a question.

“Carmilla, no, just – “

“ _No_. Cupcake, like you said – this has been hard. You stand to lose a lot. So let’s just cut our losses. Nothing happened – not really. You can live your life with a clear conscience about it.”

“Carm, wait.” Laura reached forward to stop Carmilla; she shrugged her off and held her hands up.

“ _Don’t_. It’s not like we fucked. It’s not like we’re in love, right?” She picked her coat up off the floor, letting out a bitter laugh as she did, and stepped away and opened the door. “I’ll see you next month, Dr. Hollis.”

Carmilla walked out of the apartment and didn’t look back.

* * *

 

It was 2:00 am. Almost a month had gone by.

Carmilla scrolled through her phone, looking through the messages she actively ignored, which she’d received throughout the last month.

_‘We need to talk. Yesterday was a mess. But we need to talk.’_

_‘I’m sorry. I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I’m sorry, Carmilla.’_

_‘I have some news I need to tell you; I don’t want to tell you by text. It’s too important. Please just answer your phone.’_

_‘Come on, Carmilla. You’re seriously going to stop talking to me?’_

_‘Can we talk? In person?’_

_‘I’m sorry.’_

And the latest, sent just now:

_‘Talk to me, please, Carm. I miss you.’_

She closed the app and pulled away from the girl lying next to her in bed. She didn’t remember her name, nor did she care. She searched the dark room for the articles of clothing that had been torn off earlier that night, throwing them on quietly.

She let herself feel guilty for this, as she had the other girls this month, as she had for ignoring Laura, and falling for Laura, and _everything_ that had gone down with her.

She left without a word to the sleeping woman.

(She tried to convince herself this was how she was moving on.)

* * *

 

To her surprise, Dr. Kirsch came in Laura’s place at her final appointment. He was a perfectly fine doctor; he was professional, prompt, and kind. Carmilla was confused; he explained that Dr. Hollis had a new opportunity come up and took it.

(Oh fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._

She should’ve answered her fucking phone.

Where was she? Was she fired? Was she even still a doctor?)

LaFontaine was cold and rude. They were obviously loyal to Laura; Carmilla didn’t bother bringing her up to them. Her last session with them was brief and to-the-point. They didn’t say much, just what was necessary and relevant to Carmilla’s injury.

Time had allowed Carmilla the opportunity to beat herself up over every interaction she had with Laura. She should have been more understanding. Laura had an ethical code to adhere to. She could’ve lost her job, her license.

Beyond all of that, a constant feeling of missing someone overwhelmed her. Everything reminded her of Laura and everything made her feel like she should be in her life _somehow_. But she couldn’t bring herself to call or text her back. The potential for being hurt again outweighed anything else.

( _“I don’t know who I am when I’m around you.”_ )

She hadn’t realized it before, but she was lonely. She missed Will, but even their relationship was strained at the best of times. Her friendship with Danny, despite how much they cared for each other, was a lot of work. She didn’t really have many other friends. She missed Laura. With her, it was effortless. She challenged her but didn’t antagonize her. She made her laugh. She missed making her laugh too. She could be herself around her, without judgment.

She wondered if Laura felt the same about her. She doubted it.

(“ _I can’t jeopardize my career, not for this. Not for you.”_ )

Carmilla had gone through far worse in her life – she fell off a damn roof, for fucks sake – and she hated that she was letting this, something that was barely a _friendship_ upset her so much (her chest gave a squeeze – she was lying to herself but couldn’t stop).

But she knew exactly why. She had spent the past six months in denial over why.

( _“It’s not like we’re in love, right?”_ )

She wanted to call her – she _desperately_ wanted to, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Why have your heart broken any further if you could avoid it?

She was officially no longer a patient a Silas Orthopedic Clinic, recovered and cast-free. She had been looking forward to this for months, but she had never felt more broken.

* * *

 

It was a few weeks later when Carmilla saw Laura next. She had just left her shift at the bookstore and saw Laura and an older man walking down the block.

Almost like a reflex, her heart started racing, her palms got clammy, and she felt her lips turn up into a smile. Despite having her heart broken by the woman, she still missed her. The contradiction was pathetic.

She tried not to stare, but couldn’t help it. Her memory had not failed her. She was certain that fixating on Laura for the last several weeks had affected her memory. Laura couldn’t possibly be _that_ beautiful, her hair couldn’t possibly look _that_ soft, her smile couldn’t possibly shine _that_ brightly. But no, her memory was accurate. If anything, it didn’t do Laura justice.

It hurt.

It was no surprise when Laura finally spotted her. Carmilla made no effort to look away; the way Laura’s face lit up when their eyes met made her forget the embarrassing, harsh words Laura told her when they were last together for a moment. It made her forget how helpless she felt, falling for someone who didn’t care about her.

What was a surprise was when Laura pointed her out to the man she was with. They both approached. He shared Laura’s happy ( _huge_ ) smile.

“Hi Carmilla,” Laura said, a little cautiously but still with enthusiasm.

“Hey Dr. Hollis.”

“ _Laura._ Call me Laura. I’m not your doctor anymore,” Laura said, matter-of-factly. Her smile was small – restrained – but it was still there.

Carmilla gulped. Was she even a doctor at all? Why wasn’t she at the clinic? She didn’t look unemployed (Carmilla scoffed at herself, how the fuck did anyone _look_ like they weren’t a doctor anymore?), but she was still very reserved. She couldn’t read her.

Before Carmilla could ask anything, the man with Laura cleared his throat, taking their attention. She forgot he was even there.

“Oh, dad!” Laura said, also startled. “This is my father, Ron Hollis. Dad, Carmilla was a patient of mine.”

“Hello Carmilla! It’s very nice to meet you!”

Carmilla blushed under Laura’s dad’s gaze, feeling like a teenager again. “It’s nice meeting you too, sir.”

“She was probably one of my favourite patients,” Laura offered, beaming a little. “I miss seeing her around. How have you been, Carmilla?”

“I’ve been okay,” Carmilla said, almost matching Laura’s smile. Laura had that affect on her – it was easy to be happy around Laura. “My leg’s doing alright.”

“Oh good.” There was something definitely different about Laura; Carmilla couldn’t put her finger on it. She seemed less...stressed. Carmilla figured it was because they hadn’t seen each other in a while.

(Carmilla brought anxiety and destruction everywhere she went, as her mother often told her. As Laura discovered, first hand.)

“So were you lucky enough to have Laura operate on you at the hospital, or are you from the clinic?” Laura’s dad asked, pulling Carmilla from her thoughts.

“Both, actually,” Carmilla answered.

“I operated on Carmilla in February while covering the mat leave and she was at the clinic,” Laura explained.

“Oh! So Carmilla was your patient _before_ you started your residency?” he asked Laura.

Her _residency?_

“Wait, what?”

“Yes! Laura here is a resident at Styria General. She just started a few weeks ago. I’ve been told that she’s an excellent surgeon,” he started, wrapping a proud arm around Laura, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “You’re a lucky young lady to have had Laura as your doctor. I bet your leg is as good as new!”

“Really?” Carmilla looked straight at Laura.

“Yeah,” Laura said, nodding. She looked proud.

Relief flooded Carmilla. _Thank god._ She didn’t fuck it up. She didn’t fuck everything up. The one person she cared about – she didn’t fucking destroy her life like she was afraid she did.

Thank fucking god. Her broken heart wasn’t for nothing.

“Ladies?” Laura’s dad said, waving his hand between the two. He whistled to get their attentions.

Laura cringed and offered a silent apology glance to Carmilla. “ _Dad_. Stop, you’re being a dork.”

Carmilla liked him. (He was just like Laura.)

“Oh, sorry sir. I...I agree with you, Mr. Hollis. Laura was an excellent doctor. Is an excellent doctor,” Carmilla amended. “My leg feels great. I feel great.”

Carmilla gave Laura a half-smile, who grinned back.

There was so much that needed to be said, explained, repaired, but right now all Carmilla could do was feel relieved for her. She didn’t ruin Laura’s life.

(Laura crushed her, but Carmilla didn’t ruin her life. At least some good came from it.)

“Dad, how about you go get yourself a double-double while I find out how Carmilla’s leg has been doing?” Laura waved her hand towards the Tim Hortons, a few shops down from the bookstore, not looking away from Carmilla.

Carmilla made note of the curious look on his face – an expression Laura often had when she knew something was up – but he agreed, walking to the coffee shop.

She suddenly felt timid, standing alone with Laura.

“Congratulations, Laura. You’re a surgeon, like you always wanted,” she said, breaking the silence.

“Thanks, Carmilla.” Laura shifted on her feet a couple times. At least Carmilla knew she felt awkward too.

“I guess I should’ve answered my phone?”

“That would’ve been nice.” Laura laughed uncomfortably. “But it’s great seeing you now, Carmilla. You look...beautiful. You always look beautiful, but...I’ve missed you. And sometimes when you miss someone, you think your mind is playing tricks on you, making things seem greater than they actually are. And sometimes I exaggerate, but no, you really are that gorgeous. More, actually.”

It was the same sentiment that Carmilla had when she first spotted Laura, echoed in Laura’s words. Laura was so sincere and it stunned her. It was sweet – more than sweet, it made her feel _wanted_ and not in the superficial way she had been drowning herself in for the last while. But it didn’t do anything to fix how shattered Laura left her.

“How’s your thesis?” Laura asked when Carmilla said nothing. She looked a little sad at Carmilla’s lack of response, but Carmilla didn’t have anything in her to give.

“Good. I’m more or less done. I’m defending it next semester,” Carmilla said, her standard response to that question. “Which is great. Finally.”

“That _is_ great, Carmilla. Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

Laura smiled again, still timidly. She looked like she had a million things she wanted to say but didn’t know where to start. Carmilla felt awkward and stiff and she hated it. But she didn’t know how to tear down the wall that had been put up last time she saw her.

(She wanted to, she really did, but the nagging voice in the back of her head told her not to, to be careful, to protect herself. That voice won.)

Thankfully, Laura’s dad came back, a cup of coffee in one hand and two Tim Hortons paper packets in the other. He handed one to Laura and gave the other to Carmilla.

Carmilla opened it up – a chocolate chip cookie. She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. The two were _so_ similar. It was very sweet.

“Thanks, Mr. Hollis.”

“ _Dad_ , seriously?” Laura’s face was a little red, but she still broke off a piece of the cookie from the packet and ate it.

“What? You would’ve been annoyed with me if I didn’t get you anything. And it would’ve been rude if I didn’t get Carmilla anything while you two were visiting,” he reasoned. He turned to Carmilla. “And Laura here seems to really like you – she’s been so stressed with work, it was nice to see her smile properly again.”

“ _Daaaad_ ,” Laura whined. He laughed and winked at Carmilla.

“I’m just _teasing_. Right, Carmilla?”

Carmilla laughed and shrugged, not wanting to take sides, but enjoying seeing Laura squirm. She looked at her watch – she was supposed to meet up with a study buddy...

“I have to go,” Carmilla said, regretfully. “It was nice meeting you Mr. Hollis. Thanks again for the cookie.”

“Nice meeting you too, Carmilla. No problem.”

Laura looked at Carmilla, about to speak but Carmilla stopped her.

“Laura...I’m glad you got your residency. You deserve it.” She sighed. “Goodbye.” Carmilla said it with as much finality as she could muster before giving Laura one last (sad) smile and turning to walk away.

 _‘Enough. Move on, Carmilla,’_ she told herself.

“Wait, Carmilla!”

Laura ran up behind her, grabbing her hand and turning her. She didn’t let go when Carmilla stopped. Carmilla looked past her; Laura’s dad stood where they were, looking confused.

“Yeah, cupcake?” Laura blushed at the nickname.

“Let’s go for coffee. Where we usually would go. Tomorrow? We obviously have a lot to catch up on.”

“...I don’t know."

“Please?” Laura let go of Carmilla’s hand and placed her hands on her arms. “Carmilla, _please_?” She was so earnest, so sincere; Carmilla couldn’t say no to her.

She sighed, trying to sound as indifferent as she could. “Fine. Okay. You free at two?”

“Yeah, sure, two,” Laura said, nodding eagerly. Before Carmilla could respond, Laura pulled her in, giving her a tight hug. “I’ll see you there?” she whispered.

“I’ll be there,” Carmilla said, breathing in deeply and tucking her face into Laura’s neck. Laura brought her hand up to the back of Carmilla’s head. When Carmilla pulled away, Laura pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“Goodbye, Carm. See you soon.”

“Bye.” Carmilla answered. She unconsciously touched her cheek.

“Tomorrow,” Laura said, before walking back to her dad, who looked like he had a million questions waiting.

A little after Carmilla got home, while getting ready to meet up with her ‘friend’, she received a text from Laura.

_‘I’m glad I saw you today, Carmilla. I’m sorry I ambushed you. I’m just glad you’re doing well. I have a lot to say – a lot to apologize to you for, obviously, but...I just can’t wait to see you again. I missed you. x’_

Instead of responding, Carmilla went back into her messages and opened up her last conversation with the girl she was going to meet with tonight. She texted that she had to cancel and then put her phone on silent, not caring about her response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be posted on Monday, March 23. Sorry for the day delay!  
> Tell me what you order when you go to Tim Hortons [here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com).


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two reach a resolution...kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to platypiandi for her help. And thanks to everyone who has read this. It's been a lot of fun writing it and the comments, asks, messages, and kudos have been lovely and unexpected.  
> If anyone wants to talk Dr. AU or Carmilla or anything, [I am here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com).

“You’re going to have to let me buy you a cup of coffee eventually.”

Carmilla sat down, her presence pulling Laura away from her book. Laura smiled sheepishly and put her book away.

“I don’t even like coffee,” Laura said, as Carmilla took a sip from the cup that was waiting for her when she arrived. “I get hot cocoa, but I was afraid you’d think I was a total dork so I always made sure to order before you got here.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Carmilla said.

“I know.” Laura half-smiled.

Carmilla was uncomfortable. So she made small talk. And what do you talk about with the girl who you’re in love with who also broke your heart? Her father. Obviously.

“Your dad’s nice.” She cringed. She down looked at her hands around the coffee cup and played with the paper sleeve.

Laura hummed. “Yeah...”

“He’s proud of you. It’s...nice.” _Nice._ Great word choice, really natural.

“Sometimes I feel like he sees me as half his daughter, half a doctor but...yeah. He’s proud of me.” Laura shrugged.

Silence. The barista at the front called out a name for a drink. The group of moms with their babies in their strollers pushed past to find a place to all sit. A student settled onto the table next to theirs, tossing his textbook and binder onto the table.

None of these people had any idea how difficult getting this conversation started was.

Carmilla didn’t really know what to expect when they finally talked to each other one-on-one, but she didn’t expect this. She didn’t expect to feel out of sorts. But she also didn’t expect Laura’s reaction.

Laura eyes were bright. Hopeful. Completely unaware.

It made Carmilla feel...sad? A little pity? Carmilla came for finality; she realized she had no idea what Laura expected today.

She had thought of what she wanted to talk to her about. Her first instinct was to hurt Laura the same way she hurt her, but...Laura would have to care about her half as much as Carmilla cared for her. And Carmilla didn’t have it in her.

She just...she just wanted the truth. She _needed_ closure. An apology, maybe. Any kind of acknowledgement that she _hurt_ her.

(Part of her wanted Laura to just _admit_ that she never felt anything for Carmilla, that it was all a game. The ultimate closure; it would devastate her already pathetic, broken heart, but it would’ve been _done_.)

She ran her hand through her hair, getting it out of her face. “Well...do you want to go first or should I?...”

Laura nodded. “Look, Carmilla...” Here we go. “I should’ve been more honest with you. I was going to surprise you on that day, before Dr. Cochrane...before all that happened. I applied for a full-time position at the hospital, and despite Dr. Cochrane’s threat, she didn’t withdraw her support, so I got it. I began a week before your last appointment at the clinic; I just needed to inform you that I had terminated our physician-patient relationship.”

_Oh_. Carmilla let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“I wanted to do this all above board. It was going to be documented in your file, that you were no longer my patient, and we would _finally_ be free...”

“Oh,” she said, bitterly.

“Yeah...” Laura’s face reflecting hers, Carmilla was sure. She looked sad. She also looked expectant, like she was waiting for Carmilla’s turn. And despite what Laura said, nothing had been fixed. She hadn’t even apologized.

“That’s all?”

“What do you mean?” Laura smiled, completely reading her tone wrong.

“Laura...you told me I wasn’t worth it.” Carmilla’s voice cracked. Realization dawned all over the doctor’s face. “You _broke my heart_.”

Laura frowned; her eyes were already glistening and despite the hold she had on her, Carmilla wouldn’t let her tears affect her judgment. She wasn’t going to let herself be vulnerable with Laura again.

“Carm,” Carmilla stiffened at the nickname, “I’m sorry for what happened after. I was upset and I was trying to hurt you because hurting you was the easiest thing to do at the time. And that was wrong. I’ve been kicking myself over it.” Carmilla scoffed. “And I hate that I made you _doubt_ me. None of it was true. You _still_ mean so much to me.”

“Look, I appreciate you explaining your side of the story to me – I’m glad you have your dream job, that your career is in place...but,” ( _You hurt me? I trusted you? I can’t trust you? You broke me?_ ), “I should go.”

“No, stay.” Laura reached out, grasping her arm. The sudden movement got the attention of the student next to them, who looked over and rolled his eyes. He turned up the music on his headphones. Laura grimaced. “I just...I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve missed you so much.”

Carmilla flinched her arm away but sat back down. She leaned forward and lowered her voice. “I missed you too, I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. But that doesn’t change the fact that I thought I was in love with you and you didn’t seem to care.”

“Carmilla, I _did_ care. I promise. I _still_ care, Carmilla, I fell for y-“

“Laura, stop,” Carmilla said, holding up her hand. “Don’t. _Don’t._ ”

Laura leaned back in her seat, a tear falling. She brushed it away quickly. Carmilla’s heartbeat thundered in her chest, reminding her it wasn’t _broken_ ; it was just bruised.

“What did you expect to happen today?” Carmilla asked

Laura smiled sadly, wiping away other tears. Carmilla handed her a napkin. “Best care scenario?”

“Realistically.”

She sighed. “I thought...maybe we could revisit what we had.”

Carmilla couldn’t believe it. “Seriously?”

“There’s something between us. We’re drawn to each other.”

“So? Laura, I’m drawn to drinking all night, every night, but I’m not going to do it. It doesn’t mean its good for you.”

“Don’t...don’t compare me to a vice, Carmilla.”

“But what if I see you that way?”

“Do you? Do you really?”

Carmilla didn’t answer.

“I _hate_ that I put us here, in this situation. I don’t know if I could ever make it up to you, but I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how you felt. I regret all of it. Everything I said was in anger, and it wasn’t true. But I have no excuses. It was wrong of me to talk to you like that and I didn’t mean it. I’m _so_ sorry, Carmilla.”

“You broke my heart.”

“You’re breaking mine right now.”

That felt like a low blow.

“You can’t turn this around on me again, Laura. You’re really good at that but I’m starting to learn how to get _really_ good at walking away from you.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She deflated. Her eyes glistened with news tears, breaking at Carmilla’s will.

Despite the fact that Laura had hurt her, she still hated the fact that she was causing Laura to respond this way. Her feelings for her were still there, bubbling under the surface as usual. But this time they were free to spill over. She just didn’t know if she wanted them to.

“So what do we do now?”

“I don’t know. What did _you_ expect to happen today, Carmilla?”

“I was hoping for closure. I was hoping that I’d see you and unlike yesterday, everything I felt for you wouldn’t rush back at me,” she admitted with a sigh. “But it all did.”

“It did?”

“My heart is an idiot.”

Laura laughed humourlessly.

“I know I wasn’t perfect either. I pushed when you weren’t ready. When you weren’t _able_. I didn’t respect you. And I’m still sorry for all of that,” Carmilla admitted.

“You don’t need to keep apologizing for that, Carmilla. You have a million times...”

Carmilla shrugged. “In a lot of ways, we’re _terrible_ for each other...but in a lot of ways...”

“...we work. There’s something about you, Carmilla.”

This must’ve meant something. What was the universe saying, drawing them together but never letting them _be_ together?

She realized something – that if anything was going to happen, they needed to eliminate all of the complications between the two of them. They needed to be honest with each other. They needed to learn how to trust each other.

Carmilla needed to figure out what she wanted. If she even wanted Laura. Because figuring out if she _wanted_ Laura was figuring out if she wanted to be in love and be loved. She needed to figure out if she _deserved_ this; all her life she was told otherwise.

“I want to get to know you, Laura, without this _thing_ hanging over us.”

Laura stared for a beat. She nodded, letting Carmilla continue.

“I treated you like you were a temptation, something I couldn’t have but wanted, and you are more than that.”

“And I treated you like a punching bag when things got too hard, and _you_ are more than that,” Laura added.

Then Carmilla said the one thing that she could think of where she got to protect herself _and_ keep Laura in her life.

“I want to be friends.”

“What?” Laura’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I want to get to know you, as _friends_ – genuinely.” Carmilla reached forward; Laura let her take her hand. “The person I got to know is someone I want in my life and I don’t want to fuck that up because of the potential for more, or the potential for sex, or the fucked up way that I show interest in people. And I need to learn how to trust you again. Because I don’t forgive you for how badly you hurt me.”

Laura nodded, dejectedly. “I understand...”

“But,” Carmilla continued, “I think you and I _could_ be great. If we’re great together as friendsthen I’ll take it.”

“Friends?”

“Yeah, cupcake. I don’t have many reliable people in my life and I’ve screwed up a lot of things with people I care about. Maybe I don’t want that happening with us.”

Laura was silent for a moment, thinking it over.

“What if I want more? What if I don’t want to be just your friend?” Laura asked quietly.

Carmilla frowned. She thought about it. Friends was safer – for herself and for Laura.

“I...I would hope that you’d reconsider. Because this is all I can give you,” she admitted.

“Okay,” Laura said after a beat. She didn’t look thrilled about it, but she looked at peace. “Let’s be friends. I think you’re supposed to be in my life, too. So...however you’ll have me, I’ll be there.”

So, they started the friendship there; they talked into the evening.

Carmilla admitted that she pushed Laura and she was sorry. She knew she shouldn’t have been so forward with her affections, and she should’ve backed off when Laura asked for friendship. But she really wanted to try now; she didn’t want to force anything and she knew that they both had to figure stuff out.

Laura apologized again, admitting that she should’ve gone about all of it differently. As soon as she realized she was attracted to her, she should’ve done more to stop the inappropriate relationship forming – or at least tried harder to get her transferred. She was selfish. And when everything spiraled against her, she lashed out and she shouldn’t have.

They caught up on the little things. LaFontaine and Perry were finally together. Will was coming back for a visit soon. Laura’s new job. Carmilla’s thesis.

It was nice to have Laura’s company again.

(And even in the time they spent together, Carmilla felt something start to heal. She hoped Laura felt the same.)

* * *

 

After their coffee meeting, they settled into back into their friendship. It was tentative at first, but it soon went back to how it was. Except more genuine this time – a sincere friendship.

Laura’s availability became sporadic due to her new job but they made it work. Carmilla’s bus to the university stopped at near the hospital, so sometimes she’d drop off a cup of hot cocoa for the doctor. When she was swamped with her own work, Laura would come by and cook for the two.

Laura became a fixture with Carmilla’s circle of friends – which was essentially Danny and whoever Danny was seeing at the moment. Carmilla spent more time with Laura’s friends, including LaFontaine, who was surprisingly welcoming.

(At first, LaF didn’t believe for a second that they were _just_ friends – but then after witnessing the two bicker, LaF believed them.

“It’s obvious neither of you are getting any.”

Carmilla threw a pillow at them.)

Carmilla and Laura found themselves inserting each other in their lives more: Laura’s stuff at her house, her stuff at Laura’s. Her shirts had gone missing, but she didn’t have it in her to ask if Laura had them – plus, she had taken a few of Laura’s sweaters for herself. She drove Laura crazy, with her general filthiness and moodiness, but Laura infuriated Carmilla sometimes too, with her terrible taste in music and the hours spent watching awful television shows.

There were moments when Carmilla would find herself staring – whether or not Laura noticed, she didn’t know. She just knew in these moments, she absolutely was in love with her. And that terrified her.

Carmilla had never been in love – not really. There were times in her life where she thought she was – even before, when she was her patient, she thought it was love. But it was never like this. And as she certain she loved Laura, she didn’t want to open herself up to being hurt and rejected again.

She was scared shitless. As much as she had fallen for Laura, she wasn’t sure if she could forgive her yet.

After the way their friendship started – and ended – and began again, she knew their relationship was built on a very fractious base. And, to be honest, she wasn’t sure Laura was even still interested; she treated her the same way she treated everyone else – with the same affection and kindness she had for all of her friends.

She ignored the fluttering in her chest whenever Laura’s gaze would linger. She pretended to not notice whenever she’d catch Laura staring at her with the softest, warmest eyes she’d ever seen. She acted like she didn’t feel Laura sigh into her arms whenever she’d hold her.

Pretending those things didn’t happen was easier than opening herself up again. Pretending at least made sure that she wouldn’t screw it all up again, like she inevitably screwed up everything in her life.

So she settled on being friends. She’d spent most nights with Laura, talking about everything and nothing, watching Laura fall asleep next to her before doing the same, never pushing for anything more. Nothing more ever happened.

And for now, it was enough.

* * *

 

Carmilla went on a date with someone – a friend of Danny’s, who Danny assured her wasn’t looking for anything serious, but, ‘ _it’d be good to get out there and stop pining_.’ She was beautiful, smart, had a dry sense of humor, and an interesting job. She was the kind of woman Carmilla was usually interested in.

But it was awkward. But it didn’t feel right. And while it would’ve been easy to have taken her home, have sex with her, and never see her again, it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t who she was anymore.

When Carmilla left the date later that night, she went straight to Laura’s place.

“Buzz me up?” Carmilla asked, standing outside her apartment complex. Laura didn’t respond, but the door buzzed and latch unlocked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a date?” Laura asked, standing at her doorway when Carmilla turned down the hall off the elevator. She was in her pajamas, her hair thrown in a messy bun, and despite looking annoyed, she looked adorable.

She looked like home.

“I _was_. And now I’m here.”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Come in. You interrupted my super exciting Friday night off, so you better entertain me with a quality bad date story.”

Carmilla walked straight to Laura’s kitchen, helping herself to a glass of wine and grabbing cookies from Laura’s pantry. Carmilla had come to know her space as well as she knew her own house.

“Sorry cupcake, nothing to share. It just wasn’t a good fit.”

“What, was she not drop-dead gorgeous enough for you?” Laura asked dryly.

“There was just...something missing,” Carmilla said, tucking a few loose strands behind Laura’s ear before moving to Laura’s living room. She sat on her couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. Laura sat next to her, and lifted her arm around her.

(The first time Laura did this after they made up, Carmilla stiffened. LaF and Dr. Perry – just _Perry_ – laughed at the two from the other side of the room.

“If we’re going to be friends, you have to cuddle with me. Sorry Carm. Ask LaF; I make them cuddle with me all the time,” Laura said, rolling her eyes and leaning her head on Carmilla’s shoulder.

“It’s true and it’s annoying,” LaF said.)

“What was missing?”

“For starters, she was way too tall,” Carmilla lied.

_“Really,_ ” Laura said, her eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, I like the idea of being the taller person in my relationships. I mean, I never have, but I think it’d be nice.”

“Yeah?” Laura laughed.

“Yeah. It’d be like dating Danny. Ugh.” Really though, her date wasn’t that tall at all and Carmilla didn’t really have a preference.

Laura gave her an admonishing light slap in the stomach but laughed anyway.

Carmilla continued. “And her interests...I don’t know, I know I can be a little affected sometimes –“

“A little? Carmilla, I found your secret collection of Broadway soundtracks hidden behind your Nietzsche collection. You’re _incredibly_ affected.”

“Okay well, what I’m _getting at_ , cupcake, before you so _rudely_ interrupted with your unfounded accusation,” she was going to have to move her soundtracks when she got home, “is that, despite her height, she reminded me of myself. I barely like myself, I don’t want to _date_ myself.”

Laura laughed and rolled her eyes.

“Carmilla, you’re even too cool for yourself.” Laura nudged her.

“And,” she continued.

Laura stopped her. “There’s another ‘and’? Don’t be a jerk, Carmilla, I’m sure she was lovely.”

“She _was_ ,” Carmilla conceded, nodding, “she just...wasn’t ‘the one’.”

Something shifted in the air. “’The one.’ How do you know, it was just one date?”

Laura tilted her head and bit her lip. She looked at her expectantly. Carmilla couldn’t help herself – she stared at her mouth.

“I just know.”

Laura reached up and brushed Carmilla’s bangs away from her eyes. Carmilla took a deep breath. They stared at each other; Laura’s eyes drifted down to her lips and back up again. She closed her eyes and leaned forward...

And Carmilla pulled away.

Because as hard as she tried, the feeling of Laura hurting her still lingered. As hard as it was for her to be interested in anyone other than her, it still hurt. Part of her was still insecure about her relationship with her. Part of her hadn’t forgiven her yet.

“I’m sorry, Laura, I can’t...”

Carmilla hadn’t realized that Laura’s face had been filled with hope until it fell. She sighed and sat back on the couch.

“It’s okay...”

“Laura...”

“No, it’s fine,” she said, pointedly. Carmilla knew to drop it. “Let’s keep watching Buffy, we have like five more episodes left in season 6 and you don’t know what true suffering is yet.”

Carmilla lifted her arm up again, eyebrows raised, encouraging Laura to lean back into her. Laura rolled her eyes but scooted closer to her, pulling Carmilla’s arm around her again. She hit play on the remote.

* * *

 

 

The thing is, Carmilla didn’t _really_ like drinking anymore. She usually made stupid decisions when she was drunk. Hooked up with strangers. Got into fights. Fell off roofs.

So tonight, despite being out with all of her favourite people (well, Laura, Will, who was visiting for the weekend, Danny, and Laura’s friends), she was having a much fun as a sober person could have at a shitty club, playing shitty music, surrounded by sweaty Neanderthals (who were shitty, she couldn’t emphasize enough about how shitty everyone around her was).

So, she sat at a booth, nursing her bottle of water and watching everyone’s shit. It was shitty.

“Hey, Kitty,” Will said, sitting in the spot next to her. He grabbed her bottle and took a swig out of it.

“Get your own water,” she said, grabbing it back. “And do you know how creepy you sound when you call me that?”

“Whatever.” He swayed a little in his spot; definitely tipsy. “Anyway, Dr. Hollis – I mean _Laura_ – hey?”

He wiggled his eyebrows and pointed with his thumb towards the dance floor. There was Laura, dancing between LaFontaine and Betty and some woman she had never seen before. The woman was being handsy with Laura. Carmilla didn’t like her.

Carmilla gave Will the Spark Notes version of their sordid history – telling him everything that was necessary but left out some of the _deeper_ details. The conflict. Falling in love. The fight. It was in the past, and with time it stung a lot less than it had before, but the fact was: she was still embarrassed by it. Plus, she didn’t exactly want to talk to her brother about her (non) sex life.

“What about her?” she asked, faking indifference.

“ _Please_ , you know exactly what. I know you said you had a big falling out, but what exactly going on with you two now?”

“Nothing; we’re just friends.”

And she was being honest. But tonight, for the first time in a long, she wasn’t settled or okay with it. She looked over at Laura, dancing a little closer to LaFontaine, moving away from the handsy girl (seriously, what was this woman, part-octopus?!). Laura winked and waved.

“Well, I don’t believe it. And I don’t think she has just ‘friendly’ feelings for you either.”

“Well you’re right – you _don’t_ think.”

“Har-har. Whatever, Kitty, be an asshole. But for what it’s worth – I really like Laura. She’s a thousand times cooler than your exes.” He got up and walked over to Kirsch, who looked like he was trying to hit on two women at once.

Speaking of hitting on too many women, Danny was sandwiched between Dr. Truong – _Natalie_ – and Betty as they walked towards the booth. Danny smirked as she slid into the seat across from Carmilla, both girls giving her their rapt attention. Carmilla exaggerated a gag and got up. She looked over and saw Laura and the handsy girl at the bar, so walked towards them. Not at all to eavesdrop on Laura’s conversation with the girl (totally to eavesdrop).

She wasn’t jealous. (She was jealous.)

Carmilla stopped next to the pillar next to where Laura and the woman stood. They must not have noticed; Laura made no acknowledgement. She pulled out her phone, pretending to text.

“So,” Carmilla heard the girl yell, “let me buy you a drink.”

“Oh! Really? No, that’s fine, I’m fine,” Laura said, waving her hands. She was clearly intoxicated. “Thank you though, Vanessa. You’re super pretty and I’m flattered. But I’m aaaaallll good.”

“Come on, just one drink,” the girl slid her hand down Laura’s arm.

Laura looked uncomfortable. She wondered if she ‘rescue’ her, but the next thing Laura said stopped her.

“I’m _flattered_. I am. But I have a girlfriend.”

“Oh. Shit. I’m sorry – is she here?”

Carmilla felt eyes on her. “Yeah, she is.” The woman looked over; Carmilla busied herself on her phone, frantically mashing her thumbs across the screen, typing nothing into the iMessage app.

The woman thanked Laura for the dance and apologized, then moved back to the dance floor.

When they left the club later that night (or in the _very_ early morning, more accurately), the group had already split. Will went off with Kirsch and some girls; Danny took home _someone_. LaF and Perry left earlier in the night.

Carmilla struggled to get Laura into her house without waking the neighbours. It wasn’t her preference for Laura to spend the night but Laura was _adamant_.

(“No, I’m going home with Carmilla. Carmilla’s place is like my place. Carmilla’s place _is_ my place. I have two homes, one of them is wherever Carmilla is. Carmilla, why are you trying to cover my mouth, Carmilla, I’m _not_ shouting, _you’re_ shouting, _shh_!!”

Laura always regressed to acting like a teenager when she was drunk. It would’ve been cute if it wasn’t a pain in the ass dealing with her.)

As Carmilla got ready for bed, she couldn’t stop thinking about what Laura told the woman.

“You can stop pretending you weren’t listening, Carm,” Laura said sleepily when she came back into the room. She mumbled thanks as Carmilla put a glass of water and Advil next to her on the bedside table. The doctor had thrown herself onto her bed, out of her jeans and her shirt replaced with one of Carmilla’s oversized university t-shirts.

She played dumb. “What are you talking about, cupcake?”

Laura snorted. “The girl at the bar. You heard what I told her.” She yawned and burrowed her face into her yellow pillow (which had migrated from Laura’s place to Carmilla’s somehow).

“ _Fine_. What was that, Laura?” Carmilla got into the bed next to her, keeping a fair amount of space between the two, as she always did. “You told that woman that I was your girlfriend,” Carmilla said, staring at the ceiling.

“Well, Carmilla, I did it for two reasons,” Laura said, her eyes closed. “One, it was an easy way to get her to stop hitting on me. Two, Oprah says that’s The Secret. Speak your intentions into the universe and they’ll come true.”

Carmilla snorted.

“It’ll come true, Carmilla.” Laura smiled, her eyes still shut.

Carmilla’s breath caught in her throat. “And what exactly are your intentions?”

“To be with you one day,” she said simply.

“Cupcake, you’re drunk,” Carmilla answered.

Laura laughed, her eyes closed. “Yeah. But it’s true. We’ll be together.”

The air got heavy, serious. Carmilla took a deep breath in then exhaled, letting the words slip out of her. “I want that too. I think.”

Laura said nothing.

“Cupcake?” Carmilla looked over; she was already asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The _actual_ penultimate chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the comments, likes, reblogs, etc. The creampuffs are the best fandom.

Carmilla wasn’t sure if Laura even remembered last night. It was the next day; Laura she wasn’t exactly in the state to discuss what happened – she was incredibly hungover. They had a quiet morning aside from a few pained grunts of acknowledgement from Laura.

So yeah, nothing was discussed.

It was only later that day, when Laura was more (or less) back to her usual self that things really shifted for Carmilla. Laura was reading on her couch and Carmilla had her work sprawled on the kitchen table. She was hunched over one of many journals and textbooks, going over her notes from her thesis advisor. Her last draft came back with red pen all over it, so she was re-editing the re-edits. She read her sentence for the third (or fourth?) time, the words not making sense so she closed her laptop.

Carmilla leaned forward onto her arms. _God dammit._ She just wanted to be finished already. She was at that stage where she wanted to just give up, drop the program, stay a minimum wage book hock for the rest of her life. She thudded her head against her laptop.

The sudden feeling of two firm hands massaging her shoulders made her head spin – in a good way.

“Carmilla, you’ve been working at this for hours today. You should take a break,” Laura’s voice said, gently working at the knots on Carmilla’s back. Carmilla groaned involuntarily – at Laura’s strong hands and at the mountain of work she still had to do.

“I have an idea,” Carmilla ventured, moaning as Laura’s thumb pressed against a particularly sore spot, “how about you become my sugar mama and I quit school.”

Laura chuckled. “While that sounds _awfully_ tempting, I’m not sure...you’re definitely beautiful enough, but if I’m going to have a trophy wife, I kind of like my girls smart and nerdy.”

And in spite of herself, Carmilla blushed, something in her chest fluttering. “I’m none of those things, cupcake,” she said, pouting a little.

“Right, says the beautiful girl surrounded by academic journals and photocopies of stuff in languages I had no idea you read from the 1600s.” Laura stopped massaging her shoulders and knelt next to her, on the floor. Carmilla opened her eyes and turned her head slightly, not lifting it off her laptop.

“Is there anything I can do to help? I know doctors are supposedly bad writers, but I actually think I’m pretty good at it. I took a couple journalism classes in my undergrad and I considered doing that, but the Dean of the Faculty of Medicine was kind of hot and that convinced me...”

Laura trailed off; she reached up and cupped Carmilla’s cheek, tracing her thumb along her cheekbone.

“Hey.” Laura grinned.

“Hey,” Carmilla said.

And in that moment, seeing Laura, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail, in Carmilla’s shirt, Carmilla realized something.

She was happy. Or, rather, she could be happy. She had been apprehensive about her relationship with Laura. She was scared of getting hurt again; she always got hurt. She had never gotten a happy ending. She didn’t know if she’d get one ever.

But every minute she wasn’t with Laura was torture and she realized in that moment that all the caution she was taking was for nothing. She had feelings for Laura. And she was finally in a place where that was enough. It was more than _enough_.

She was sure. She was _ready_.

She had to tell her.

“Do you remember last night? Like, when we got home,” Carmilla asked suddenly, sitting up. She turned in her seat, facing Laura. Laura got up and slid into one of the other chairs, a little taken aback by her abruptness.

“Uh, not really. Umm...I remember coming home...and stealing your shirt,” she said, touching the collar of the shirt she was still wearing. “But other than that, nothing. Why?” Her eyes widened. “Did we _do_ anything?”

“No, no, absolutely not. I just...,” she ran her fingers through her hair, sweeping them away from her face, “we need to talk –“

Laura’s cell phone rang; it was the ringtone she used for when the hospital would call. “Okay Carm, hold that thought.” She ran to her phone in the other room.

Carmilla stood up and started pacing. She had to tell her. She didn’t exactly know what – _‘I like you’_ sounded juvenile, _‘I want to be with you,’_ sounded like an understatement, _‘I love you’_ well, that was way too much for having just come to the realization...

She heard Laura come back into the room, and as Carmilla was about to speak, Laura’s change of clothes stopped her. She was leaving.

“Sweetheart?”

“I’m _so_ sorry, I know you had something to talk to me about, but they need me at work. I have to go,” she said, regretfully. “Whatever you were going to say, can it wait?”

A little voice in the back of her mind laughed at her. Of course, Laura’s work was stopping her. Of course it was.

Carmilla nodded, hoping her disappointment didn’t show.

 

* * *

 

And now it was the end of September. A day had turn into one week, which had turned into several. Her (potential?) relationship with Laura had been all that her mind was occupied with. The absolute _‘no’_ had turned into a _‘maybe’_ and now _‘yes’_ wasn’t even a question – it was becoming a matter of _when_. But every potential opportunity that had come up had been interrupted or missed or screwed up by Carmilla’s incredibly poor timing.

Carmilla would’ve usually been discouraged (because, fuck, it’s like the universe _wanted_ them to be together but keep tearing them apart. Fucking universe.) but Carmilla had gone through months of waiting for Laura. She was a _fucking expert_ at suppressing her feelings for the woman (well, with varying degrees of success at varying times, but whatever). What she lacked in bravery, she made up for in resolve.

It was a matter of _when_.

The leaves on the trees were beginning to turn, making the city look orange and red. It was Laura’s favourite time of the year, so she dragged Carmilla out for a walk. The air was crisper than it had been before; the cold made Carmilla’s leg hurt a little, but she tried not to think much of it as they walked through the park.

Laura linked her arm through Carmilla’s, pulling her from her thoughts. Laura tugged her down the path, smiling at a passing a couple walking their dog.

“Did you even hear what I just said, Carmilla?” Laura asked with a smirk, probably knowing fully well that Carmilla had no idea.

Carmilla was sheepish. “Sorry, cupcake. I was a little distracted there...”

“No kidding. You almost walked into that dog. Whatever you were thinking of must’ve been _engrossing_ ,” Laura teased. She nudged her with her shoulder. “I hope the Laura that lives in your imagination was _good_ , at least.”

 _That_ had changed a little. The flirting? It had come back in full force; but it was somehow more fun, less restrained. Laura was as corny and adorable as ever. Carmilla remained _pretty_ forward. But everything felt less like a game than before.

Carmilla nudged her back. “I have a feeling that anything my imagination could think of would pale in comparison with the real thing,” she said, throwing in a wink for good measure. Laura’s blush was encouraging.

Then, _well,_ Carmilla’s smug grin was wiped off her face.

“Well, _maybe_ you should find out for yourself,” Laura _drawled_ – she fucking _drawled_. She was going to be the death of her. If it wasn’t for the fact they were in public, with people everywhere, _god dammit_ , she would’ve fucking mounted her then and there.

But _no_.

Seriously; god-awful timing.

“Okay, what did you actually say?” Carmilla grumbled as a child ran past them, with his father close behind. Laura grinned at the pair.

“My dad wants to get to know you better _sooo_ ,” Laura drew out, her eyes shining brightly, “you have been invited for dinner with us on Friday.” Laura said this simply, like it wasn’t a big, strange deal. Carmilla stumbled, causing the pain to feel sharper than before. Laura immediately wrapped her arm around her waist, keeping her from falling.

 _Her eyes._ Carmilla wondered if there’d ever be a time when she wouldn’t get lost in them like she usually did. If Carmilla had a shred of bravery left when it came to this friendship, she would’ve kissed her then. But she didn’t.

Plus, _fuck_ , her leg hurt.

“Carm, are you okay?” Her voice was full of worry. She helped her over to the nearest bench and sat down, patting her lap. “Legs up.”

Carmilla listened; she leaned against the arm of the bench and put her legs on Laura’s lap. The doctor started gently working on her, paying careful attention to her right shin.

“You’re great with your hands,” Carmilla said, the innuendo escaping her until she said it.

“Well, I’ve had no complaints.” She blushed at her own joke, then added, “I mean, obviously. I’m a surgeon.” She looked away, nodding at the people passing by. “So, _anyway_ , my dad wants you to come out with us for dinner.”

Ah, right. The reason for the stumble. Carmilla couldn’t think of a more terrible idea.

(She’d only ‘met the parents’ once, with a past girlfriend, and it was a disaster. And while she’d already met Laura’s dad, it was just the one time. It was well before she had the realization that she wanted to have lots of sex and babies with his daughter.

If she wanted _any_ chance with Laura, she couldn’t.)

“And interrupt your father-daughter dinner? Uh, no thanks, cutie.”

“You wouldn’t be interrupting, Carmilla. You’d be my guest.”

“Why would he even want to have dinner with me?”

Laura rolled her eyes. “You’re my best friend.” Her tone told Carmilla that she thought that it _was obvious, why would you even ask that, Carm?_ “I talk about you all the time.”

Carmilla’s eyebrows furrowed. “Doesn’t this seem a little...”

“What?”

She hesitated a little before answering, “Girlfriend-y?”

Laura sighed. “You’re my best friend and I want you to spend time with me and my dad. So suck it up, Carmilla. You’re coming to dinner.”

Ugh. She was totally whipped. “Fine,” she said, through gritted teeth, just so Laura wouldn’t think she won so easily (she probably did though).

 

* * *

 

 

And there she was, a few days later, seated across from Laura’s dad. So far, dinner was every bit as awkward as Carmilla expected it to be. He had a strangely knowing _look_ in his eyes. She hadn’t felt this kind of parental scrutiny since she was a teenager. She was a grown ass woman; she should not have withered as much as she did.

(It didn’t help that when Laura reintroduced her to him – “Carmilla, you remember my father, Ron Hollis.” – he interjected with, “Hello, Carmilla. You can call me Mr. Hollis.”)

She really wanted him to like her.

Which he did, eventually (she thought, at least). Over appetizers, the two bonded over their love of German beer and their pride in Laura. He did express some concern that Carmilla was a Philosophy major (‘What kind of job can a masters degree in philosophy get you?’), but before Carmilla could defend her degree (which she didn’t really care to do, ‘cause she had the same concerns Mr. Hollis had), Laura jumped in.

“Dad, leave her alone. Carmilla is an incredibly smart woman. She could do anything she likes, but she chooses to pursue something that she’s passionate about. And you know what? She’s a wealth of knowledge. I have every bit of faith that whatever she chooses to do with her masters degree, she’ll be excellent at it. She’s intelligent, well-spoken, charming. She could do _anything_.”

Carmilla was stunned; she looked over at Laura’s dad, who smiled at her, again with _the look_. She took a generous gulp from her beer, willing it to take the edge off already.

The conversation took a turn when Laura left for the washroom.

“I’m really proud of my daughter, Carmilla,” he said, as soon as Laura was out of earshot. “She’s an exceptional woman; I knew whatever she was going to do, she was going to help people. The fact that she’s a _doctor_? I’m so proud. And her mother would’ve been proud too. And I’m not only of her job, but of the woman she’s become.”

“You should be, sir,” she nodded politely.

“Whoever she ends up with will be a lucky woman, don’t you think, Carmilla?”

She took a sip from her drink then nodded. “Absolutely.”

They sat quietly for a moment, Carmilla awkwardly pushing the tea light centerpiece with her knife, fidgeting. She looked back up at Laura’s dad and was met with an unreadable look.

“When her mother died,” he continued, eyes not leaving hers, “we both kind of got lost for a while. Me more than Laura – she’s strong. But she got harder, less open to new things, new people. When she took an interest in medicine, she got some of her spirit back.”

He cleared his throat a little, his eyes glistening in the same way that Laura’s did when she got a little emotional. He gave Carmilla a small, contented smile, then said: “And now it seems, with you, she has her heart back.”

Carmilla’s heart pounded in her ears.

“She’s told me _many_ times that you two aren’t together, but Carmilla, I think my daughter’s in love with you. So if you plan on breaking her heart, _don’t_.”

“I...I wouldn’t dream of it,” she answered, a little shaken, but hoping he would understand how sincerely she meant it.

“Good,” he agreed. “I personally wouldn’t do anything, but I made sure my daughter took Krav Maga classes; she’s a fully capable woman.” His eyes narrowed. “So what exactly are your intentions with my daughter?”

Just as Carmilla’s heart leapt into her throat and she sputtered a non-answer, he let out a hearty chuckle.

“Don’t worry Carmilla, I’m just kidding, you don’t need to answer. I like you; just don’t hurt my daughter and I’ll continue to like you,” he said, with a quiet laugh to himself.

Carmilla grinned. She felt something within her grow more certain, more assured. This was literally the most encouraging news she had ever had in her life. He thought his daughter was in love with her. And he was okay with it. _And_ he liked her.

( _Sure_ , he threatened her a little, but that was alright. _That_ part she expected.)

She didn’t say much for the rest of dinner, content with just watching Laura and her dad interact. The love between the two was palpable.

And apparently, the love between her and Laura was too.

At the end of the night, she gave them some distance as Laura said goodbye. He whispered something to her, causing them both to look over at Carmilla, who looked away, pretending to not be staring. Whatever he said, Laura blushed and smacked his arm.

 

* * *

 

 

Nerves.

She was a bundle of nerves, completely uncharacteristic of who she was. Her usually steely eyes were unfocused. She was pacing, clutching notes in her hands, reviewing them for probably the thousandth time. She had them all memorized but it provided some comfort anyway.

She was about twenty minutes away from defending her thesis, something she’d been working on for years. Something she knew better than the back of her hand. She had gone over the potential arguments from the committee. She had gone over all her possible defenses. She knew her shit.

Buuuuut no. She was nervous.

She put her notes down on the floor and leaned against the wall. She remembered what Danny told her to do when she was nervous: think about things in that made you happy.

Her bed. A steaming cup of coffee. Good music. A good book. Curling up with the good book in front of Laura’s fireplace. With Laura. Laura’s smile. Laura’s laugh. Laura’s nerdy jokes. Laura in her arms, curled up against her, holding her hand.

Okay, she felt calmer, definitely. Laura worked. It had been weeks since she had last seen her, since she needed to focus on finishing up her thesis and preparing for her presentation. While they still texted all the time and talked on the phone every other day, she missed her presence. Laura was like a ball of energy, like the sun, brightening every part of Carmilla’s life.

(The time apart clearly turned her into a sap, but whatever. She missed her.)

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was smart, she knew her shit, and she could do this.

She opened her eyes. And there she was.

“Laura?”

Laura smiled at her bashfully before Carmilla threw her arms around her, settling into the woman she missed.

“Hey,” Laura said into her neck.

Carmilla pulled back, keeping her hands on Laura’s shoulders.

“Don’t you have work, cutie?” Laura’s hair was up in a ponytail and had her coat on. She was wearing her scrubs underneath.

Laura tucked a loose strand of Carmilla’s hair behind her ear, letting her fingers trail down her cheek when she was done. “I may have made an intern cover for me so I could come here to wish you luck. Plus, I haven’t seen you in a while and...I missed you.”

Carmilla’s heart gave a squeeze.

_God, she loved her._

“Okay,” Laura said brightly, “I know you’re nervous, so I didn’t come empty handed. I brought two things to give you for good luck, but you have to pick just one.”

_Yeah, she really fucking loved her._

“Okay, what’s option one?”

Laura zipped open her coat, looked left to right to make sure they were alone, then pulled out a mini bottle of rum. “Option one. A shot.”

Carmilla laughed. “You’re sending me into one of the most important meetings of my life with a shot of rum?”

“Well, there’s something to be said about the muggle felix felicis, Carmilla,” she said, raising an eyebrow.

 _She was_ so _in love._

“Right, of course,” Carmilla (mockingly) appeased. “And option two?”

“I’m not saying. It’s option one, the shot, or option two, the ‘exciting mystery item’.”

“How exciting are we talking here?” Carmilla asked, sliding her hands down Laura’s arms and taking her hands.

“No, no clues,” Laura said. “But it’s a good one. I _think_ you’ll like it?” she added coyly.

“Okay. Well, I’m definitely _not_ picking option one,” Carmilla beamed at Laura’s growing grin, “so give me option two.”

Laura made no move to reach for anything. “Close your eyes and stop talking,” she said, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

“If you rob me then I’m going to be pissed,” Carmilla joked.

“Shhh, close your eyes,” Laura repeated, squeezing her fingers.

“Fine.”

Carmilla made sure to roll her eyes before closing them, not knowing what to expect. She took a breath then felt Laura’s length press against hers. She had time to quirk her lips into a smile before Laura grasped the back of her neck then slid her lips against hers. It was a short and sweet and convinced Carmilla that she was absolutely head over heels in love with the woman.

(A quiet voice in the back of her head screamed _‘finally’_.)

“And there was option two,” Laura said, when she pulled away. She stayed her space, her body pressed against her, brushing her nose with hers, and coyly adjusted the collar on Carmilla’s shirt.

“You gotta learn how to warn a girl, cupcake,” Carmilla teased, her voice breathy. Laura leaned back up and kissed her again, which Carmilla eagerly returned. The doctor’s fingers tangled in her hair, bringing her closer. Carmilla’s arms slid around her waist, holding her tightly.

Not without irony, the moment was interrupted with the buzz of Laura’s pager. They pulled away, grinning at each other. Laura blushed and checked her messages.

“Well shit, they’re looking for me. I gotta go, Carm,” Laura said, giving her a quick peck on her lips before stepping back. She kept hold of her hand, lifting it to her lips and kissing her knuckles.

“And I have...” she reached into her pocket and checked her phone, “five more minutes. So instead of sending me in there drunk, you’re sending me in there horny?”

“I’m sending you in there _confident_ , Carmilla,” Laura answered, her face reddening at Carmilla’s words.

“So...are we going to talk about this?”

“Of course we are. Let’s meet up tonight? I get off work late but,” Laura paused to kiss Carmilla again, this time tracing Carmilla’s bottom lip with her tongue, “we have a lot to talk about. But...I’m hoping we’re on the same page about this?” Laura ventured.

“Definitely.” Laura giggled and cupped Carmilla’s cheek, about to kiss her again when -

 _Buzz_.

“ _Ugh,_ okay, I get it, stupid pager,” she grumbled. “I really have to go back to work and the irony of the situation is not escaping me. So I’m going to go before, I don’t know, we cause the world to end.”

Carmilla laughed. “You better get out of here soon then, ‘cause I want to at least finish school before that happens.”

Laura adjusted Carmilla’s collar and played with Carmilla’s hair, fixing it. “Are you still nervous?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Good. You shouldn’t be; you’ve got this,” Laura said. It was so declarative, Carmilla believed her.

“Tonight. Come over. I’ll make you dinner and let you know how this goes and we can talk about...”

“Us?” Laura offered.

“ _Us_ ,” Carmilla agreed, before being tugged in for another quick kiss. “Get out of here, before I decide to leave and make out with you all day. Go be an amazing doctor.”

“And you go defend that thesis. You’ll be great,” Laura said, before giving her a small wave and turning to down the hall.

Carmilla brought her fingers to her lips and watched her walk away.

Before she could even process what happened...

“Miss Karnstein?” A voice asked. It was the Chair of her program. “We’re ready for you.”

She picked up her bag and notes. She was ready.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Thank you again for reading.  
> [platypiandi](http://platypiandi.tumblr.com), my lovely beta, gave me an amazingly adorable headcanon that I had to write in. So the last scene is all her doing. And another note - [Izzy](http://izzyvonheeringen.tumblr.com), thanks for giving me the prompt that started it all. 
> 
> (Also make sure you read Chapter 10 first! In case you missed it...)

Laura had to cancel last minute.

Turns out she was paged because there was a freak chain-reaction accident on the freeway. Dozens of injuries; the hospital needed all hands on deck. Carmilla had seen the accident on the news and was disappointed, but knew this was part of Laura’s life. It was why she became a doctor, to help people. Carmilla found that it was hard to be upset with Laura when she was living her dream.

It also gave her time to think about the kiss. The kisses. Which she hadn’t stopped thinking about. Even during her defense, she found her mind wandering and had to regroup a couple times. Fortunately, she had it under control. She’s pretty sure it went well. And honestly, after what happened, she had enough confidence to go in there and wing it. She was refueled; invincible. She could’ve ran around the world.

Carmilla had never had a kiss that _good_ before. It was a cliché – every kiss from Laura made her see stars, it made her heart pound, and while part of her hated that she was being so _disgustingly_ saccharine, another part of her, a newer part, didn’t care. She was in love. And the woman she was in love with had feelings for her too.

(Friends? Seriously, what was she thinking? She could never be _just friends_ with her.)

She hated that she would have to wait another day, maybe even more, before she got to see her friend again.

When she finally was able to sleep, much later that night and after watching a handful of Doctor Who episodes (yeah, Carmilla still for the life of her couldn’t get into it), she didn’t get much rest. Her phone rang; she knew it was Laura, because Laura set her ringtone to the sound of an ambulance.

(It scared the shit out of Carmilla first time Laura called her; she told her as much.

“What? I thought it’d be cute. You’re so sensitive, Carmilla,” Laura teased. Her sense of humour was surprisingly tacky sometimes.)

“Everything okay, cupcake?” she asked, groggily.

“I just got off work.” Laura sounded exhausted. “I can’t be alone right now, can I come over?”

Carmilla yawned and looked at the clock. 2:00 am. “Uh, yeah.”

“I’ll be there in ten,” Laura said before hanging up.

Carmilla got out of bed and unlocked her front door. She went to kitchen to turn on her kettle (when Laura inevitably asked for hot cocoa). She went to the washroom to brush her teeth and comb her hair, wiping the sleep up from her eyes.

This wasn’t the first time Laura had ever done this; it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Laura hated being alone after working difficult shifts. And every time Laura showed up to her house late at night, looking a little frazzled, a little exhausted, but entirely adorable, Carmilla felt pride that she was Laura’s ‘person’. She made Laura feel safe and secure and comfortable again. She was the person who helped pull her out of her bad mood or hard day.

Having been told her entire life being told that she was nothing but doom and gloom, nothing but a stressor, a cause for concern, being this person for someone made her feel worthy. Of what, she didn’t know. She hoped it meant she was worthy of _her_.

One more quick, evaluating look in the mirror, she deemed herself presentable enough. It was the first time she was going to see Laura since their kiss, just hours ago; she wanted to look good for her. But she also knew that Laura wasn’t really going to care about that; she probably just needed a distraction, like a movie marathon or something, like she always did after a hard day of work.

When Carmilla left her washroom, she almost let out a gasp.

Laura stood in the middle of her bedroom, with her shy smile. She was out of her work clothes, in a pair of jeans and a shirt Carmilla recognized as her own that had gone missing.

“Cupcake?”

“Hey,” Laura breathed out. She frowned a little, and then seemingly making a decision, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Carmilla, sinking into her.

“Hard day?” Carmilla pressed a kiss to Laura’s forehead and immediately started her fingers through her hair.

“I had a terrible day. _So hard._ So many people...I didn’t lose anyone, thank god, but...” she stopped herself and took a deep breath in. “I’m so glad I’m here with you, Carm.”

“Me too, sweetheart,” Carmilla said. Laura lifted her head up. Her eyes still looked concerned, anxious and Carmilla wanted to fix it. “Let me make some hot cocoa for you and you can tell me about it,” she offered, starting to untangle herself from Laura’s arms.

“No, don’t leave,” Laura said, tightening her hold. She kept her stare, only for a moment shifting her eyes down to Carmilla’s lips, before snapping them back to Carmilla’s. “Okay. About earlier...in the spirit of being completely candid with you...”

“Yeah?” Carmilla smiled, unsure where this was going.

“You’ve been an incredible friend to me, Carmilla. The last few months have been surprising – I never thought we’d be this close; I never thought I could be this close with anyone. I’m glad that we are. But...”

“But?”

“But: I’m ready for more. I couldn’t help myself earlier; I hadn’t seen you in over a week and I missed you way too much for it to be considered friendly. Option two was actually a cookie that I stress-ate before seeing you. So...I kissed you.”

Carmilla smiled. “You did...”

“You asked me, all those months ago, if I was waiting for you and the truth is: I have been. I didn’t realize that at the time but I think I’ve waited for you all my life. And I’m tired of waiting, when all I want to do is be with you. And everyone in my life has been telling me to go for it, hell, even my _dad_ told me to. So I did.”

“Oh.”

“’Oh’? Seriously Carmilla, I just said, like, a hundred words there. I’m kind of pouring my heart out to you –“

Carmilla stopped her by grabbing her face and kissing her. _Finally_. They could do this every day for the rest of her life and Carmilla felt like her response would always be _finally_. She’d learned that every minute she wasn’t with Laura was a waste of time, and validation from Laura that she actually felt the same way, as strongly as she felt?

It was different from their previous kisses. The first kiss was overwhelming, an outlet for sexual frustration more than anything. It felt like drowning. Subsequent kisses were either calculated or controlled or filled with anticipation – they were beautiful in a lot of ways, like a promise for more.

But this kiss? It felt less like drowning and more like falling.

When her tongue touched Laura’s, she couldn’t hold back her moan. When Laura tugged a little at her hair, she saw stars. Carmilla’s heart was beating so quickly, she was sure Laura could feel it. She pulled back and stared into Laura’s eyes. She realized it was the first time she’d ever initiated a kiss with her.

“Well, _damn,_ cupcake. I thought I was going to do the grand gesture, give the big speech.”

“Is this okay? I know I told you it’d give you time, but you’re all I could think about today – if I’m being honest here, you’re all I’ve been thinking for months – and with the day I had, all I wanted was to come home, but when I tried to picture _home_ , your face kept coming up and - ”

Carmilla kissed her again, both of them smiling, their grins awkwardly pressing together. Laura cupped her face, bringing her impossibly closer. They stopped laughing, their eyes locking into one another, both realizing at the same time what was being said without saying the words. So Carmilla said them.

“I love you, Laura.”

Laura’s eyes glistened a little before capturing her lips again. She pulled back enough to whisper, “I love you, too,” into her mouth, before leaning back in. They found their rhythm, languidly kissing, making up for lost time.

Carmilla’s hands wandered past the bottom of Laura’s shirt; Laura gasped as her fingers touched the skin of her lower back. Carmilla walked them backwards towards her bed.

“For the record,” Carmilla said, pulling away as she lifted Laura’s shirt over her head, “you’re who I picture when I think of home too.”

* * *

 

She learned, a long time ago, not to romanticize her first time with a person. Sex was sex. Sometimes it was good. Sometimes it was great. Sometimes it was horrible. But sometimes people were right. Sometimes it was a completely different experience when you were in love.

Clothes discarded, lying next to each other in bed, facing each other, Carmilla’s practiced hands felt unsure. Laura pressed her lips to hers, to stop her from shaking.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice breathy. “I’m just...nervous.”

She had never felt like this before; as experienced as she had been. Part of her knew she should’ve felt embarrassed but it was with Laura and she never felt safer.

“Carmilla, it’s just _me_.” Laura gently pulled Carmilla closer; they both gasped when their bodies touched. There was electricity in the air; it was almost tangible, how desperate they both were for release, how much they needed each other.

“ _Exactly_ ,” Carmilla agreed, letting out a breathy laugh.

Laura kissed her again, before pulling back and whispering, “It’s just me and you, okay?” She trailed her mouth from her lips down to Carmilla’s neck, placing wet kisses, biting, nipping, and licking gently, leaving a mark.

She whimpered then moaned when Laura reached up and cupped her breast.

Carmilla was able to focus from there, living in the moment.

And the night was full of moments that she’d store away.

Like when Laura looked up at her with so much reverence. Like when Laura whimpered when she nipped at her collarbone, tasting the skin there for the first time. When Laura’s breath hitched as Carmilla mapped her way down her body with her lips and tongue.

Now she knew how Laura tasted, how she felt against her lips, how wanted – _needed_ – she felt because of it. She knew that Laura was loud, which shouldn’t have surprised her, but not with words, which did. Now she knew how it felt to have Laura cling at her and hold her head in place as she came, after moaning her name.

Now she knew how focused Laura looked before quirking her lips into the most devastatingly sexy smile Carmilla had ever seen in her life, the moment before she slipped two fingers into her.

Now Laura knew how entirely, completely, and utterly powerless she was when it came to her.

* * *

 

“I’m giving you a minute to rest up; tonight we have ten months to make up for,” Laura said, her head not moving from where it rested on Carmilla’s chest.

Carmilla felt exhausted, satisfied, full. “Seriously, cupcake? How do you still have energy?” She traced her fingers between Laura’s shoulder blades, causing her to shudder.

“I’m a doctor,” she said, propping her head up, tracing Carmilla’s jawline with her finger, “you have to listen to me.” She tapped her finger on her nose, for good measure.

“You’re _not_ my doctor, cupcake.”

“No. I’m not,” she said, absently running her fingers through Carmilla’s hair. “I’m still sorry about all that, you know.”

“Me too,” Carmilla replied.

Laura quirked an eyebrow. “We’re both sorry?”

“Yeah.” Carmilla nodded. “But hey, we can make it up to each other.”

“How so? Like...this?” Laura grinned before pulling Carmilla down for a kiss. Before it could get any (more) heated, Carmilla pulled away.

“I was thinking along the lines of you making me breakfast in bed, but...”

Laura rolled her eyes then traced her fingers down Carmilla’s side.

“By the way, your minute? It’s up,” Laura said, a glint in her eyes as she trailed her fingers to Carmilla’s centre but then quickly removing her hand, “But if you want to keep making jokes _instead_ ,” Laura continued, pulling away from Carmilla entirely.

Carmilla stopped her, instead rolling them both over, so that Carmilla was on top. Laura’s full, loud giggle was infectious. As was the gasp when she pressed her leg against Laura’s centre.

Yeah. She fucking loved this woman.           

* * *

 

And as long as it took for them to finally be together, time flew after. It was somehow already a few weeks from Christmas. This time Will and Danny were on her roof, getting the Christmas lights up. (Carmilla managed to guilt them both into doing it for her.)

“Hurry up, jackasses. Need I remind you that I did this by myself last year?”

“Yeah and you fell off your damn roof,” Danny quipped.

“Uh, no. That was taking them down. I put them up just fine.”

“Touché. Speaking of – Laura, flip the switch!” Will yelled out, clipping the last of the lights to the house.

The lights went on and Laura came out of the house. She gave Carmilla a peck on the cheek before evaluating their handy work.

“So, how does it look, cupcake?”

Laura smiled, eyes not leaving Carmilla’s. “Perfect.”

Surrounded by the people she loved most, Carmilla realized for the first time in her life she was truly happy.

 

* * *

 

“Careful! Careful, Carmilla!” Laura teased as Carmilla climbed down the ladder, one hand firmly gripping the rung, the other holding the bundle of lights she had taken down. It was January, a week after the year started, and at Laura’s insistence, they were taking the Christmas lights down.

(“I’m not going to live in a house that has its Christmas lights up all year, Carmilla.”

“Uh, cupcake, you don’t live here.”

“ _Please_ , I basically do. Half my stuff is here; half your stuff is at my place. And don’t change the subject, we’re taking the lights down.”)

“Cupcake, I’m fine.” She got off the ladder with a hop. “I was fine earlier when you suggested I be attached to a carabineer and harness. I was fine when you tried call Danny to come over and help. And I was fine when you were Googling crash pads for me to land on.”

“Well, you are _now_ , but only because I was putting out an energy of extreme safety.” Laura grabbed the lights from Carmilla’s hands and motioned at the ladder.

“Let’s put all the stuff away and get inside; I’m _freezing_.”

Laura scooped up the rest of the Christmas lights on the ground, adding it to her already full arms and walked towards the back. Carmilla turned – for just a second, intending to pack up the ladder – when she heard a _whoosh!_ and a _thud._ She ran to where Laura was, on a heap on the ground, covered by the lights. She must’ve not seen the patch of ice and slid.

“Cupcake?!”

“I’m...suing...you...” she groaned (well at least it didn’t affect her sense of humour), as Carmilla helped her up. “Ow, ow, stop, my ankle.”

“Oh shit, let’s get you inside.” Very carefully minding the ice that Laura slipped on, Carmilla scooped Laura up.

“Carmilla, put me down, you’re being dramatic,” Laura said, trying to wiggle out of her arms. “I’m a doctor, I can tell that I’m _fine.”_

She ignored her and brought her inside, gently dropping her on her couch. Laura’s grimace flipped a switch in Carmilla’s head. She felt herself become frantic and panicked.

“Okay, what do you need? Are you okay? Is your ankle okay? Should I take off your shoes? Or will that just make it swell? What do I do?” She felt her face flush and her heart race.

“Carmilla, calm down. I’m a doctor; I got this.” Laura grumbled and sat up, leaning forward to take off her shoe. “Oh, yeah, no, that was a bad idea. It’s definitely sprained. It’s going to swell up pretty bad...”

“We should get you to the hospital. Oh shit, should I call an ambulance? Laura, what should I do? I can drive your car, okay, come on.”

“Carmilla, _it’s fine_. There’s nothing they can tell me there that I can’t figure out for myself.”

“What if it’s broken? I’ll get you ice. Hold on, let me get ice!”

Carmilla ran to her kitchen and grabbed a package of frozen peas from her freezer.

“Okay, I don’t have ice, but I have these – holy _shit_ , your ankle is huge,” Carmilla said, nearly dropping the bag. In the thirty seconds or so it took for her to get the peas, Laura’s ankle swelled to nearly double its size. Carmilla would’ve gagged if she wasn’t so worried.

“Uh...yeah, let’s go to the hospital,” Laura appeased.

One of the perks of being a doctor at the hospital is that there was no wait; Laura was immediately sent in for x-rays. They both ended up in a room on the Urgent Care wing – a standard examination room, not with a hospital bed or any of the extremely technical machines, but a room nonetheless.

Dr. Perry brought the x-rays into the room and explained (purely for Carmilla’s benefit, as Laura was able to read her own x-rays) that Laura’s ankle was, indeed, sprained, but not broken. Perry chastised Laura for being so careless before Laura shooed her away.

“I know, I know. Now go away, let me read my file.” Laura grabbed the folder from Perry’s hands and pointed at the door, which Perry begrudgingly took as her cue to leave.

As she flipped through her file, Carmilla scanned the room, overcome by déjà vu.

_The beep of the machine. Dr. Perry waking her up. Laura coming into the room, filling it with more light than Carmilla ever thought possible. Carmilla’s awful, medicated attempts at flirting._

It was probably love at first sight – or as close to it as Carmilla could experience. There was always something about Laura, she thought as she stared at the woman she loved. Laura’s eyebrows were furrowed, chewing on her bottom lip as she always did when she was in thought. She looked up at Carmilla briefly, before looking back down at her file, then realizing she was being stared at, she looked up again.

She embarrassedly touched her face, as if checking if there was anything on it. “What?”

“I thought you were an angel when we first met. I mean, I was completely out of it, but...you came in and everything felt... _right_. And it hasn’t really stopped feeling that way for me, when I’m with you.”

Realization flashed upon Laura’s face, looking around the room, putting the file down. “And I thought you were beautiful. And oddly charming. And totally stoned from the anesthetic.”

“I really wanted to kiss you, actually,” Carmilla admitted.

A slow smile crept up on Laura’s face. “You _know_...nothing’s stopping you now.”

“Nope.” Carmilla stood between Laura’s legs, and pulled her lips down to hers. No matter how many times they kissed, it never failed to take her breath away.

“Uh, _knock, knock,_ ” Dr. Perry’s voice came from the doorway. “This is a hospital, not a hotel, ladies,” she said as she continued walking by.

And they both laughed into the kiss and pulled away.

So it turns out, she wasn’t fire. Laura wasn’t ice. She wasn’t a distraction; Laura wasn’t a temptation. They were two completely different people on two opposite trajectories, a little lost, but somehow managed to stumble into each other’s lives. Drawn together, but always a little divided until their paths met up, their expectations became congruent, they were ready. And despite the difficulties that this year presented, Carmilla was at peace with how everything turned out. Everything happened when they needed to.

Sometimes people needed to be broken to be fixed. And they did that for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me [here](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com). xoxo

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [high hopes (takes me back to where we started)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3698630) by [Duckiesurprise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckiesurprise/pseuds/Duckiesurprise)
  * [On Your Ground (Epilogue)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3673653) by [platypiandi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/platypiandi/pseuds/platypiandi)




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